(this one instigated because my sister is coming down to visit and hopefully take me back up with her -that might happen later but I'd rather do it asap)
Ah, is she still in SF, works as a game tester/developer? It's a shame, I'm too dysfunctional to visit you and have chosen the "Do not participate." in life because I'm convinced that a single limited human experience doesn't matter.
So why does the thought not make me the slightest bit hard, nor did our make out & grope session?
Is there more to her than physical attractiveness? Because otherwise she sounds filthy. You could be disgusted by your shallow desires, the lack of depth in your life, or maybe the routine of meeting someone you feel fondness towards has occurred so many times in life that it's lost its novelty? If you're in burning bridges mode and want to leave aspects of your life in the past then that could tie into this.
And there's the physiological aspect. The effects of opioids and other drugs on sex drive, the endocrine system. The effects of mental illness/disorders (anxiety).
Above all, maybe you're just getting old? IIRC, not too long ago you barely failed a CISCO certification test, and part of me wonders if leaving your lifestyle behind and moving into a more conventional one terrifies you because you know what it means, what it really leads to, when you can't hold up the self-image and fantasies you've created anymore. Does it terrify you? Does it feel like death?
Lifelong punks generally don't live very long. A candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long, and an IT job and house in the suburbs just doesn't seem to provide enough oxygen...
