You tripping alone? I thought you were always supposed to do a first experience with a guide or some shit. Guess that's hard to do when you're in full hiki mode
Heh, full hiki is pretty accurate, except I'm not afraid of going outside, I just don't like it. I won't deny that my behavior in the past, which fluctuates, has definitely been indicative of some level of irrational agoraphobia. Or maybe it is rational if the discomfort caused is so great that it outweighs the benefit, ignoring whether the cause of the feelings of discomfort, whether they're irrational (biological) and can be changed.
Setting is easy, it's setting the set that can be time consuming. Managed to procrastinate enough to do the DMT 4 hours after I had planned to, until around 10/10:30. Did have good meditation sessions to prepare, though. I rarely attempt to meditate and have generally seen it as a waste of time, usually simply making me sleepy and not being an optimal technique for me to think.
Prepare the environment, plan everything out, beforehand.
Put aside your emotional problems and problems in life (ayahuasca would be better suited for confronting them). Work through them, identify solutions, realize they're not as significant/major as they can feel. Reflect on how biological responses can be disproportional to the actual threat. Example: Sky diving. When done properly, proper precautions, training, and good equipment/personnel, the risk is so small as to not be worth the worry, rationally. On the other hand, you're faced with the reality that you're jumping out of a plane thousands of feet in the air moving at around 100mph when you jump out, faster at other times, with fear of heights, of being in danger of falling from a dangerous height, is a very ingrained primal instinct, and without the requisites for surviving, this act would normally kill you.
Go through the general steps of a trip in your mind. Do not attempt to fight in or control it, almost as if it is being presented to you from something external. Become lost in awe and wonder if you have the opportunity or it is granted to you from entities who may be in your environment, but remain aware and pay attention when needed. What is occurring in your mind cannot physically harm you (ignoring insignificant damage caused by the biological cascade of emotions and unlikely scenarios like a medical crisis stemming from it). Remember that many have gone what you've gone through, worse experiences than you may have, many questioning their sanity at times. Recognize if you've developed a feeling of being alienated from your emotions, whether you've developed a distorted view of them and overreact to some things that are simply part of normal human experience, that emotions are natural things and you can simply allow them to wash over you. As ArmsMerchant said, "Pain is a part of life, suffering is natural." Certain things, ideas and concepts, do not intrinsically contain emotional connotations, it is your perception of them, your judgement, that exerts them. Your judgment, stemming from a flawed and limited biological vessel, may be incorrect, flawed. Think about what you want to see and gain from it.
The sole worry of Haruhi, who looked like she didn't have a worry in the world, could be summed up with the words “the world was too normal.”
For me I thought about how the mundane and repugnant world, how my dissatisfaction with life, could be changed by experiencing something that would reinvoke a sense of wonder and awe, a yearning for life, a feeling of excitement. How certain things should give that feeling, yet don't due to biological depression and possibly worldview.
Once that is dealt with, and hopefully you have gotten over apprehension of administering the DMT, the thought that came to mind, that I recalled from a part of a video with Terrance McKenna discussing DMT, was "The carnival has come to town." "Enjoy the carnival" is how I would introduce it.
I was on so many drugs. Phenibut, piracetam, parnate, a low dose of etizolam, tianeptine. So many things that could interact with it. Smoked a bit of pot before it too because I thought it might help because it has a positive effect on mood, but it may have contributed to feeling
I recalled McKenna talking about how, for him, it doesn't change how he feels, unlike other drugs. He was still functioning as the same person with the same qualities. I think I may have been able to stop the effects due to needing to work out this problem.
I'm afraid I may genuinely qualify for disorganized schizophrenia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disorganized_schizophreniaSluggish cognitive tempo, avolition, anhedonia, lack of interest and focus, mindfulness, disorganization and poverty of thought, and why, to the extent that they may account for them (as opposed to biological changes), I had developed some habits, habits of behavior. I was reminded of the part where McKenna talked about DMT's possible role in initiating the dream state, and how I felt sleepy, although part of the reason may have been my good sleep hygiene and the bed triggering a strong response. I had taken a hit and laid back multiple times, and recalled how in a Zoklet thread about DMT I had found via a google site: search, and viewed through google/wayback's cache/archive, someone had said not to bother taking more hits after x time due to tolerance developing rapidly. Although the author of the spirit molecule says tolerance doesn't develop, but I don't know if this is also true during a short time span. I thought "If you're wondering if you've broken through, and are still able to administer more without hallucinations and significant incoordination, you haven't". I also should have used more than one layer of foil because it ending up having a hole and I don't know how much of the DMT may have been lost, whether I had combusted it or not inhaled most of the vapor. Should have used a simpler, flatter, design, and two layers of foil.
I had no problem holding in the vapor, and enjoyed the feeling of the onset, which created a positive expectation for the trip. A good psychedelic buzz that comes on very fast compared to most psychs.
Afterward I very finely powdered some anhydrous caffeine and snorted it, plugged my second daily dose of parnate, which causes significant dopamine and, particularly for me, norepinephrine release, which tends to cause significant anxiety, and inhaled some nicotine, took about .5 of phenibut to stall any possible comedown, and more piracetam, since it had been a while since I had consumed them last, due to my procrastination. I also turned on a 6500k 45w CFL I use in a light alarm setup, since it triggers a powerful response. I wanted to increase wakefulness so I could try again, which was an issue. Also have "Robot Unicorn Attack: Heavy Metal" in a tab to play before the trip in order to effect mood. I noticed feeling somewhat high after around 20 minutes of administration of parnate, when I usually feel the effects, and checked my pupils to find that they were more dilated. The fresh infusion of and MAOI may have interacted with residual DMT in my body. I also noticed significant forgetfulness, air headedness, and a notable mood boost/antidepressant effect. Blood pressure was a bit high when I checked it after giving all drugs enough time to kick in, may have felt a bit of strain due to being in the hypertension range, but still far below crisis level. With my good health and adaption from weight training, which can cause enormous momentary spikes in blood pressure (I recall Rippetoe mentioning a figure in the 400s, and often get burst capillaries on my neck and around my eyes from heavy deadlifts and squats), this should be no concern. Felt a bit dehydrated. Now I'll see how nicotine and caffeine may influence the trip, if I end up going through with it. It would probably be best to try to get some sleep, but I already took the stimulants. The parnate may make breaking through easier if acute effects have a significant influence. Hopefully I won't die or go insane, but clearly my behavior shows a lowered concern for preserving my life and well being.
Caffeine, DMT, and LSD under a microscope:
