I honestly don't care to live really in this consumer world. Everyone and everything is a commodity. Going to school and work drains me of almost all drive to be creative and spiritual. It most certainly does not make me happy. I don't spend any of my money - having it accumulate brings about the same joy as spending it. I don't socialize with anyone, I also don't want to cause spending money. I feel like a zombie during the day. When I wake up in the morning I want nothing other than going back to sleep - forever.
School is entirely devoid of intellectual stimulation - endless liberal arts classes filled with propaganda and disinformation. My STEM classes are given with no practical applications and outdated by nature. My office work is just politics. I'm leaving my dishwashing job for another office job, should actually be better - in theory. In reality it is miserable. I am faced with the dilemna of embracing my career or idk what. I just like being outside and playing with my cats. I could try and become neet, but this murica and it would just make me dependent on the gubmint instead of my parents.
I am seriously considering joining some sort of monastary / commune deal. Do nothing but meditate all the time. It sounds very nice, but why wouldn't it be plaqued by the same politics as everything else. I can embrace technology and try to make as much money as possible, or even just try to get by, but doing so is inevitably immoral. I enjoy being able to talk to people around the world on an online forum, but what technology has brought is amounted to nothing but people posting memes and stupid bullshit on the internet.
I almost want to an hero, but I truly believe that their is a universal condition we experience living or dead. Not explicitly reincarnation, but everything would still be the same, or at least be a seamless transition. I see being happy or sad as less relevant than just experiences and being miserable is just another experience. I guess what I'm really unsure about is which bootstraps to pull, do I integrate more or less. I experience a lot of dissonance with most people, and social anxiety about things like taking a piss in public that make integrating hard even when I would like to. It is a vicious cycle in some ways, in others I love it.
tl;dr I want to be like Malice but without fostering hate.
