mayweather

[village idiot]

you're unbanned on zoklet

[fanglekai]

kewl

[unbreakable matter]

how ominous

wait, not ominous

I meant homosex

[Soso0]

Am I still banned?

[Soso0]

Ah still am... I think today the new record was set of people getting banned in a single day

[fanglekai]

zoklet is gone

[panthrax]

Mayweather are you reading this?

[village idiot]

how ominous

wait, not ominous

I meant homosex

the bloody rubble of shit pouring from your ass after a week's worth of opiate constipation has had more meaning in its existence than the faggot that squeezed it out

to you your own shit is soooo chiiilll

[unbreakable matter]

how ominous

wait, not ominous

I meant homosex

the bloody rubble of shit pouring from your ass after a week's worth of opiate constipation has had more meaning in its existence than the faggot that squeezed it out

to you your own shit is soooo chiiilll

don't talk about my poop without my permission faggot

[village idiot]

how ominous

wait, not ominous

I meant homosex

the bloody rubble of shit pouring from your ass after a week's worth of opiate constipation has had more meaning in its existence than the faggot that squeezed it out

to you your own shit is soooo chiiilll

don't talk about my poop without my permission faggot

you wrote me up a monologue several paragrpahs long on the summary of your life and it was awful and extremely gay

[village idiot]

also, niggers

[unbreakable matter]

how ominous

wait, not ominous

I meant homosex

the bloody rubble of shit pouring from your ass after a week's worth of opiate constipation has had more meaning in its existence than the faggot that squeezed it out

to you your own shit is soooo chiiilll

don't talk about my poop without my permission faggot

you wrote me up a monologue several paragrpahs long on the summary of your life and it was awful and extremely gay

please post it I don't remember and want to read it.

[village idiot]

how ominous

wait, not ominous

I meant homosex

the bloody rubble of shit pouring from your ass after a week's worth of opiate constipation has had more meaning in its existence than the faggot that squeezed it out

to you your own shit is soooo chiiilll

don't talk about my poop without my permission faggot

you wrote me up a monologue several paragrpahs long on the summary of your life and it was awful and extremely gay

please post it I don't remember and want to read it.

no

[unbreakable matter]

how ominous

wait, not ominous

I meant homosex

the bloody rubble of shit pouring from your ass after a week's worth of opiate constipation has had more meaning in its existence than the faggot that squeezed it out

to you your own shit is soooo chiiilll

don't talk about my poop without my permission faggot

you wrote me up a monologue several paragrpahs long on the summary of your life and it was awful and extremely gay

please post it I don't remember and want to read it.

no

go suck off a bees stinger faggot

[village idiot]

I never saw that before and I'm glad I did. Some people on there look cool and I would probably talk to IRL. Village idiot is not one of them, walking barefoot through water with a gay hat and a guitar what a goofy piece of shit

I have a spinal fusion between t12 and l3. I won't get into the specifics of how I got it because its so unique I've never heard of anyone else breaking their back this way. I also have a cancaneal fracture and have 13 pins in my foot upon last xray. It happened in late 2004 and when I was crippled I discovered the totse message board. I'd done dilaudid before that, was on dilaudid and other substances when I broke my back and was prescribed it after. I came off it and tried to act like it was nothing to have a spinal fusion and a foot that locks up and makes me walk funny if I walk what anyone would call a normal amount in the run of a day.

As I type this right now my back hurts and I'm sitting on a couch. Basically the 3 years after my crippledness I acted like it was nothing and definitely made my back worse through living recklessly. Eventually around 2008 I started doing opiates again and spent the majority of my life driving around with my seat so far back I'd look out my window from the back seat. When someone I know died under suspicious circumstances I wanted to believe it was just the pills that killed him so I stopped doing pills and started selling them.

Around 2008/2009 my back was getting worse and worse. I think ecstasy and coke made it worse to be honest. Also, as fucking gay and stupid and weak and shit as it is to admit it fucking hurt most of the time to have sex unless I was on opiates. So it created a viscous cycle of having to be high on pills to fuck or drive around selling drugs or doing anything really. I started to realize that the pain I experienced affected my outlook on life. You know when you are a kid and your relativity point is based on your own experiences (well it kinda is for everyone but as a kid it's more pronounced) I was in pain all the time and found it hard to imagine other people not being in pain. I think this is why it just made sense to me to sell drugs. In one capacity or another every drug is a medication. Around 2010 it became apparent I was going to prison so I decided to go to a dr to get a script so I'd have documentation and be able to get pills in jail initially. I would pretty much give away my 4's and sniff real 8's. I was always involved with girls and men who did pills because it became central to my life but not in the same capacity as they did them.

When I eventually went to prison I was getting my script of dilaudid in the county but when I went up the pen they cut me off and put me on tylonol 3's. I was fucking shocked and appalled even though I was pretty much caught trying to steal my pill so I could sniff it. I flipped out on the nurses and eventually they realized that they had to put me on something but the health staff is so incredibly useless all I got was 8 tylonol 3's a day. When I went to the hole a few months later, from lack of activity (other than pushups) and walking etc and just overall trying to be zen and mindful and shit I realized I could live successfully without opiates and I started hoarding them and was gonna stick them up my ass and take them to the pen I was being transferred to. This one guard I hated decided to destroy my cell to piss me off because I would make fun of him and they found 64 of the t3's so they cut me off them but the nurses would still stop by my cell in the hole and ask if I was alright.

Through working out my pain became alot better. Strengthening my back (there is really nothing I can do about my heel except for inactivity) became the key. I would eat a bottle of acitamenophen pills a week but I was proud that I wasn't doing pills anymore and instead bought and sold hash which relaxed my muscles enough to take my mind off my back. When I was released to a halfway house I directly fell back in with the same crowd and basically went back to doing pills and coke out of default because I didn't know what else to do. When this kid in the halfway house ratted on me and I had a highly suspicious amount of money on me I was stuck in the halfway house for a few days, coming off pills and I couldn't get off the couch I was in so much pain it was unbelievable. I realized a while ago that pain can depend on outside sources as well, for example whenever there was a cop car behind me my back would seize up to the point where I almost couldn't drive and I'd be in so much pain I'd have to do a pill immediately afterword.

But yeah, I went back to jail, yadadadadadadada, got out, decided to eat percocet but they hurt my stomach and it still kinda hurt a bit to fuck. When I fucked this girl on MDMA when I first got out I was fucking her but my back was hurting and thought afterwords that my back and headspace prevented me from actively being in a moment that should be awesome and beautiful. Bitch is pregnant now, lol, whore. SO YEAH, had people selling dilaudid and coke for me and I believe one of them ratted on me and I went back, got out AND HERE I AM

I'm precribed 60 6's a month and this will just increase. From a medical standpoint I need the heaviest painkillers but I've got an incredible physiotherapist and simply persevering through pain helps to lessen it over time. "the mindfullness solution to pain" is a gay hippie bullshit book that actually has some very poignant and true things in amongst all the bullshit. I take 4 vitamins a day (b,c,d, o3) do chin ups and be lazy and all these things help. Having sex is less painful and my association with sex and pain will probably lead me to become a sadomasocist at the age of 40. I'm very conscious of how I sit, stand, bend over etc. I've got to be very vigilant to keep myself from experiencing pain. I take 2 or 3mg's of dilaudid a week when it's particularly bad and sometimes I feel like I'm weak for doing it but I know that I associate my pain with a lot of things and being pain free is new to me. I'm going to see a specialist in a few weeks who's apparently a genius and cost $300 a fucking hour. I am very optimistic.

I dunno, I like talking about myself but basically what I can tell you is even though your body and pain is external, how you deal with it and choose to live with it IS ENTIRELY IN YOUR HEAD. Granted, there are degrees of this but when I realized that being a 26 year old who whined about pain and LET IT CONTROL aspects of my life is pathetic I learned to try to work with it to live for a day free from this. If I go back to prison it will definitely suck, at least initially but probably 5 or 6 months in it'll be fine I'm sure.

Hope this was helpful, probably not. meth

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA