Vaped some pot and I think I may be remembering some of what had happened. I have a faint feeling of a possible memory of seeing/experiencing something mind shattering, blowing, or terrifying, possibly alien, or maybe something that made me think I had lost my sanity, then coming to or opening my eyes and yelling in a terrified voice "Oh fuck. OH FUCK! IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!", possibly like knowing there was the possibility of something going wrong before doing them DMT, an enormous consequence, not thinking it was likely, and it actually happens like a cannot shot in your mind, like realizing an IED had gone off and your leg's been blown off, maybe milder. This is very speculative/uncertain, though. Not sure if anything ever happened, and I do have the memory of panicking because I thought I had fallen onto the hot plate, which I had also considered and thought unlikely. and would account for the yelling. Or maybe I did glimpse something/had an incredible trip, forgot it almost immediately after it was over or due to the panic of thinking I had fallen onto the hot plate, and it had nothing to do with the panic. Information could be highly confused due to still being effected by DMT.
Oh, and, damn, if I was yelling like that this adds another level to what most would feel as embarrassment. It contributes to the effect on memory and possible changes in perception of you and the effects they may have, making you sound insane.
Although I do feel fine, not like anything traumatic has happened. Although tianeptine attenuates the neurological changes caused by stress, and I also take etizolam, and there's also the severe blunted affect and various other personality variables. Too many potential confounders. But, if it was the DMT experience and I immediately forgot it and latched onto the idea that I had fallen onto the hot plate, then that memory may not be strong enough to cause trauma.
_____ level theory: I remember the hot plate and vape taking on this really bizarre, possibly alien and malevolent, appearance. I can't remember what it looked like now. What if a being from the DMT realm, malevolent, trickster, sadist, or teacher of lesson's learned the hard way (don't take DMT lightly (I may have, since I may not have really been prepared to break through, in part due to being focused on other preparations, even gathering things that may be interesting to look at, so I may have been expecting a visual trip.) which then caused the false image/belief that I had fallen onto the hot plate? Or maybe I did it, subconsciously, or a part of my subconscious, out of self hatred or some other reason (teach a lesson). It's also possible that my mind created the idea of danger to stop the trip, because it was terrified of something, maybe ego death.
If it turns out that what I experienced during the DMT turned out to have caused this, I'm really interested in going back there and hopefully being able to withstand it this time, experience what it is but be able to sustain it, maybe even remember. I've always been very good at adapting quickly, as quickly as the next day at times to significant events.
Well, with the tape, even if it did go wrong, I wouldn't be able to scream.
