By normal I mean, aware of all of these things but going thru the motions anyway.. like everyone else does. Why do you feel the need to have such a special life? Practically no one gets one. Nothin to be ashamed of. It's basically either go thru these motions and take the enjoyable moments, as few and far between as they may seem, as they come... or just complain about it for years on end getting sicker and sicker. Go ask 100 average 40 year olds who have been administered truth serum what they think of life. The smarter ones will have somewhat similar philosophies as you do, but they will keep that shit stuffed down deep like you're supposed to.
Yeah, I've thought of this before, and it's really distractions, (willful) ignorance, not thinking, not having the ability or refusing to understand and make the connections, to expose yourself to material that doesn't tell you what you want to hear and accept reality whether you like it or not, and delusions (religion/faith) that keeps most people from imploding. And there's just so much to distract you, to keep you going for another day regardless of how petty and futile it is. Have you ever been doing something like eating or some other work related/mundane task and just started crying at the thought "Is this what life is?"
I suppose that's a major problem once you reach my level of isolation, you're alone with your thoughts and lack the negative influence of others on your development. Maybe psychedelics will help me become like a Buddhist zen master one day. I remember hearing that they conducted brain scans and certain Buddhist monks and they genuinely seemed to be the happiest people. Unfortunately they don't function in isolation, and I'd like to know if there are any who have and have still managed to attain what they wanted. Problem is how strongly genes influence your response to isolation and basal hedonic tone, so simply because you find one person who attained it doesn't mean you will be capable of doing so once you understand biological, material, reality and limitations.
So, do you look reality in the eye and potentially destroy yourself, or do what I described in the first paragraph and what your biological vessel is designed to respond to and hopefully make things bearable enough that you make it to the end?
1 gram DMT, 1 gram Mescaline, and 10 hits of "Berkeley Silver" 125ug LSD. I think it is a very bad idea to do this without making at least one friend and feeling the change that occurs, but I think I may do it anyway and see what comes out. I could always keep breaking my mind and hope it's rearranged in a way I like. And I think being put in a psych ward could actually be good for me depending on the environment, how much interaction I receive. Unless they force me on anti-psychotics as long as I'm there. That would be very bad, but then I would just leave and pay for private therapy, or other alternatives. That said, if you've seen my psychedelic reading list, I think I have a good idea of what I'm doing and what needs to be done, how to deal with even the worst potential trips.
This will also be potentially augmented with the MAOI I am on. It may have no effect because this is different from the short term ones used and research and anecdotes have shown that they may have no effect or possibly reduce effects slightly, depending on the medication and how long you've been on, the dose, various factors. Now, phenibut, that is an anxiolytic that will work, and possibly along with a beta-blocker like propanolol, could reduce much of the negative potential without reducing the positive effects of a trip, like benzos will.
