(this one instigated because my sister is coming down to visit and hopefully take me back up with her -that might happen later but I'd rather do it asap)
Ah, is she still in SF, works as a game tester/developer? It's a shame, I'm too dysfunctional to visit you and have chosen the "Do not participate." in life because I'm convinced that a single limited human experience doesn't matter.
So why does the thought not make me the slightest bit hard, nor did our make out & grope session?
Is there more to her than physical attractiveness? Because otherwise she sounds filthy. You could be disgusted by your shallow desires, the lack of depth in your life, or maybe the routine of meeting someone you feel fondness towards has occurred so many times in life that it's lost its novelty? If you're in burning bridges mode and want to leave aspects of your life in the past then that could tie into this.
And there's the physiological aspect. The effects of opioids and other drugs on sex drive, the endocrine system. The effects of mental illness/disorders (anxiety).
Above all, maybe you're just getting old? IIRC, not too long ago you barely failed a CISCO certification test, and part of me wonders if leaving your lifestyle behind and moving into a more conventional one terrifies you because you know what it means, what it really leads to, when you can't hold up the self-image and fantasies you've created anymore. Does it terrify you? Does it feel like death?
Lifelong punks generally don't live very long. A candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long, and an IT job and house in the suburbs just doesn't seem to provide enough oxygen...
Oh, this is malice. How did I only just realize this?
Yeah, still in the bay area, she's living in San Jose now. It's a shame you're too much of a pussy to meet face to face. oh well, I won't hold it against you.
Yes, there is more to her than her physical attractiveness, but I feel that what that something more is might just be a nostalgia for a time long past. Honestly she's a fucking retard and I had to literally bite my tongue to not call her the fuck out. She literally thinks that pH is a thing in and of itself, like a physical object you do something with, and not a unit of measurement. I didn't even know where to begin.
And no, it wasn't routine at all because I usually see her randomly like once every year at most. And I certainly barely ever get the chance to have some random hot casual bathroom sex with a slut. I'm just not into it. I'm a spiritfag all into tantra and stuff. I don't even like to orgasm.
Definitely think the opiods could have had something to do with it, because while opiates only increased my sex drive while I was junkied out, since I've had such a long break from them they hit me WAYYY harder than I've been used to in years. Except I'm clean right now and all I feel is disdain.
Also, really? I'm just getting old? I'm twenty fucking five. That's supposed to be the peak age of a male, when his brain has finally finished developing and his testosterone has hit its peak and what not. Maybe I'm on the beginning of a downslope but I'm still very much near the peak. Yeah I've abused my body with drugs but I've also been paradoxically really health conscious. I don't really feel like I'm fearing getting a more conventional lifestyle because no matter how much I go through the motions I'm never going to be conventional and I'm never going to be playing there game. My end goal is not to end up with comfy job living in the suburbs. My goal with getting into IT is first and foremost a powerplay in the political sphere. He who controls the bits controls the universe. Getting into IT isn't so much a way of conforming with the system as it is the only sound way of actually attacking it. A single man with a gun can maybe cause a little damage. A single man with a command prompt and an internet connection can take down the entire world.
I'm not terrified, I'm fucking excited. I feel like I can actually cause some damage with this path. And I'm not a lifelong punk. I'm not a lifelong anything. Reject all labels and all ideas because they're all illusions created by the mind. All that remains is energy, yes a fire, but everything is my fuel. I feel more alive than I ever have. I understand that the body and mind naturally degenerate and I work actively against it. Most people don't even bother, or if they do they turn it into something totally abstract (like staying true to being punk or something) and don't ever deal with the root causes and conditions.
I think what my confusion with this chick stems from is that now and again I still operate in this brainwashed state where I think female attention and sex somehow validates my existence and is some overarching goal, and when I get it I realize that's not what I actually want at all. Sure it's nice. But who the fuck cares? I don't want to breed. I could even care less about my survival. The game I'm playing is completely fucking different.
Nothing new is under the sun, eh Solomon?
Also its not nearly as satisfying as lighting a cigarette. There is a nice, cavalier feeling of "fuck my health" when you light a real smoke. You can feel the tar coat your lungs and start to kill you I miss being so crass.
Sorry, but cigarettes aren't satisfying. You actually get a helluva lot more nicotine from ecigs than from regular cigarettes. Try taking fatter hits. And more of them. Lots of them. in a row. keep hitting it until you need to shit. Then realize you'd never be able to intake that much nicotine from a cigarette without puking your guts up.
Yeah, I dunno. I know the feeling you're talking about, but I don't recognize it as pleasurable anymore. It's just uncomfortable and shitty. It's not like you're ever going to be properly satisfied by a dopaminergeric, it's the neurotransmittah of moar.
