I'm not doing so well. Back to being sad. Very, very sad. Can't sleep. Not too sure what I want to write about but it feels like there should be a lot.
I hate my body. Like actually hate it. That's not a productive or even worthwhile thing to say, but there it is. Maybe it's not such a bad body, and I'm just crazy. The boys always seem to like it. But they liked it even at 150lbs, when I was really fat. They'll fuck anything with holes, and I fit the bill. It probably doesn't help that I seek out very unhealthy relationships, like maybe I've been raping myself. I loved it, letting them use me. Some of it was really depraved. Not the light-hearted depraved, but the kind that leaves scars... emotional and otherwise. Burn me with your cigarettes, please. I like it when you make me cry. Why would a person want that? It's baffling. I only liked it when he liked it. His sadism was ugly, but when directed my way it all made sense. I'll be your masochist, friend. I wish I could get all of that out of my head, because even after we parted ways I can't help but desire what destroys me. Please hurt me, for I'm confused about what it means to love.
Wow, that's awful. That's not me anymore. I'm so much better now. But still...
And now I'm not seeing anyone, or being fucked. It's probably for the best. When you want him to hurt you, he will begin hurting you. Even if he's against the idea, it will happen gradually. Some psychological/social shit goes down. I hate myself; won't you join me? No? Well, let's give ourselves some time to grow.
I'm sad that I can't love for true. Everything is so romantic in my head. I love those romances. I'm so many different things. Here to serve my community quietly and sincerely, like an unsung hero. When I'm depressed like this, I get through my days by reminding myself that it's all worthwhile if I can alleviate someone else's suffering just a tiny bit. I'm very brave, because I'm kind and patient in a very true way even when I'm upset. Also self-obsessed and a little broken, but healing. Should try to stay positive.
These communities of crazy people on the internet are great 'cause you get to see all these people being open and sincere, but sometimes it's worrying that so many of them seem to commit suicide. Maybe suicide happens in all circles, but sort of getting to know these people and their demons probably colors those incidences more, so they stick out in the mind. It's still nice getting to know your demons. Makes me feel human.
I feel a little better now. And if anyone reads this uhm. Don't read too much into it. That's all in the past, and I'm making myself into a success story. Maybe it'll be like a sharp contrast to those unfortunate events. Though I guess we never remember the happy endings.
There are worse things to be than forgotten.
