What am I experiencing?

[delerium]

Also what am I? I'm losing my mind. The universe has never been so novel and terrifying... I'm not sure if I can trust the path I see laid out ahead of me. As HTS-Noob, the King of Fools, I've been known to wander astray and get myself into trouble. At the same time, I feel my time off the beaten path of Life eventually led me back to said path, only a bit farther ahead than I would have been if I'd followed the curves and waves of the trail left by those who walked it before me. Given how unreliably things have turned out thus far... I fear taking any action. Seems like the only course of action I can take is slowly slipping into a state of total sloth. Not taking any action, and just drifting away... no food, no water, no breathing... no actions. Sleeping forever. I feel like I could just sit down and die somewhere. Like I need to do that for the sake of the rest of humanity somehow. Or maybe just for my own sake. And I want to clarify that it wouldn't be out of fear of making the wrong choice of actions... it's fear that all choices are equally wrong. The only proper course of action is as I said. Or worse - undeath - a comatose state where I'm left alive/dead. Lobotomized. Sucker Punch, shit.

Started about a month back. Or maybe it started almost exactly 2 years before that. Jesus. It's been a while. I guess if we're being really clear it started 24 years ago when I was... born? I don't know. I don't even believe in the tried and 'true' mantra of "I think therefore I am" anymore. I've gone past solipsism. Is this what it means to be an existentialist? If so, fuck this noise. And oh God, is it ever noise. I feel simultaneously more and less human than I ever have before. These experiences... my life itself... I want to be so many things that I'm not. Chief among them would be "good", or "kind". Despite all this though... I'm not depressed.

I want to die because the world is so beautiful, and I'm not. Or the world could be beautiful, and people like me are what prevent it from ever being so. Haha. Throw in a bit of a god complex, a lot of media for reference points, and my mind has brewed up a perfect narrative that establishes my own wilful, blissful suicide... done for the right reasons... will somehow make things better. Or something. I'm terrified and elated 24/7. The world is amazing, but what if I need to go to make its people truly happy? What if... they... want to go? What if I want to go too? I guess I'm fucked. I'm doomed.

It's been a hell of a ride so far anyway. I have no clue what the fuck is going on, but I know there is SOME-FUCKING-THING GOING ON. It's torturous. Like the whole world is giddly laughing at my permanent ignorance instead of trying to correct the problem that prevents me from functioning properly. Or maybe they are trying... somehow... and I'm just too retarded to piece it all together at this point. Either way... it's painful. And I wish it wasn't. Being is painful. Why can't I enjoy the pain?

Forgive the rambling bullshit by the way, but I'm kind of losing my shit. Is there a word for this that isn't "madness" or "schizophrenia" or "bi-polar" or some other shit? Is this a universal experience? Does everyone deal with this? What the fuck do you do with this kind of energy? It is... so... unpredictable. And yet not entirely so... it baits me into openings that aren't actually there. It gives me a glimpse - a little flash of the celestial titties - then disappears completely, not even leaving a smile or a phone number. I don't want to be in an abusive relationship with God/Reality/The Matrix/Aliums but FUCKIN' AY, man. Whatever I'm experiencing/witnessing, it is a goddamned cocktease.

[Umbrella Corp]

Nigger lover.

Faggot

[delerium]

Nigger lover.

Faggot

How insightful, care to drop any more nuggets of wisdom?

[splooge gook]

I've been known to wander ashtray ehehhhehheh

[Obbe]

Also what am I? I'm losing my mind. The universe has never been so novel and terrifying... I'm not sure if I can trust the path I see laid out ahead of me. As HTS-Noob, the King of Fools, I've been known to wander astray and get myself into trouble. At the same time, I feel my time off the beaten path of Life eventually led me back to said path, only a bit farther ahead than I would have been if I'd followed the curves and waves of the trail left by those who walked it before me. Given how unreliably things have turned out thus far... I fear taking any action. Seems like the only course of action I can take is slowly slipping into a state of total sloth. Not taking any action, and just drifting away... no food, no water, no breathing... no actions. Sleeping forever. I feel like I could just sit down and die somewhere. Like I need to do that for the sake of the rest of humanity somehow. Or maybe just for my own sake. And I want to clarify that it wouldn't be out of fear of making the wrong choice of actions... it's fear that all choices are equally wrong. The only proper course of action is as I said. Or worse - undeath - a comatose state where I'm left alive/dead. Lobotomized. Sucker Punch, shit.

Started about a month back. Or maybe it started almost exactly 2 years before that. Jesus. It's been a while. I guess if we're being really clear it started 24 years ago when I was... born? I don't know. I don't even believe in the tried and 'true' mantra of "I think therefore I am" anymore. I've gone past solipsism. Is this what it means to be an existentialist? If so, fuck this noise. And oh God, is it ever noise. I feel simultaneously more and less human than I ever have before. These experiences... my life itself... I want to be so many things that I'm not. Chief among them would be "good", or "kind". Despite all this though... I'm not depressed.

I want to die because the world is so beautiful, and I'm not. Or the world could be beautiful, and people like me are what prevent it from ever being so. Haha. Throw in a bit of a god complex, a lot of media for reference points, and my mind has brewed up a perfect narrative that establishes my own wilful, blissful suicide... done for the right reasons... will somehow make things better. Or something. I'm terrified and elated 24/7. The world is amazing, but what if I need to go to make its people truly happy? What if... they... want to go? What if I want to go too? I guess I'm fucked. I'm doomed.

It's been a hell of a ride so far anyway. I have no clue what the fuck is going on, but I know there is SOME-FUCKING-THING GOING ON. It's torturous. Like the whole world is giddly laughing at my permanent ignorance instead of trying to correct the problem that prevents me from functioning properly. Or maybe they are trying... somehow... and I'm just too retarded to piece it all together at this point. Either way... it's painful. And I wish it wasn't. Being is painful. Why can't I enjoy the pain?

Forgive the rambling bullshit by the way, but I'm kind of losing my shit. Is there a word for this that isn't "madness" or "schizophrenia" or "bi-polar" or some other shit? Is this a universal experience? Does everyone deal with this? What the fuck do you do with this kind of energy? It is... so... unpredictable. And yet not entirely so... it baits me into openings that aren't actually there. It gives me a glimpse - a little flash of the celestial titties - then disappears completely, not even leaving a smile or a phone number. I don't want to be in an abusive relationship with God/Reality/The Matrix/Aliums but FUCKIN' AY, man. Whatever I'm experiencing/witnessing, it is a goddamned cocktease.

I read the whole thing and I don't really understand what the problem is.  Are you just getting worked up over nothing?   Have you tried breathing slowly and deeply and letting your mind become silent?   Might make you feel better.

[delerium]

Also what am I? I'm losing my mind. The universe has never been so novel and terrifying... I'm not sure if I can trust the path I see laid out ahead of me. As HTS-Noob, the King of Fools, I've been known to wander astray and get myself into trouble. At the same time, I feel my time off the beaten path of Life eventually led me back to said path, only a bit farther ahead than I would have been if I'd followed the curves and waves of the trail left by those who walked it before me. Given how unreliably things have turned out thus far... I fear taking any action. Seems like the only course of action I can take is slowly slipping into a state of total sloth. Not taking any action, and just drifting away... no food, no water, no breathing... no actions. Sleeping forever. I feel like I could just sit down and die somewhere. Like I need to do that for the sake of the rest of humanity somehow. Or maybe just for my own sake. And I want to clarify that it wouldn't be out of fear of making the wrong choice of actions... it's fear that all choices are equally wrong. The only proper course of action is as I said. Or worse - undeath - a comatose state where I'm left alive/dead. Lobotomized. Sucker Punch, shit.

Started about a month back. Or maybe it started almost exactly 2 years before that. Jesus. It's been a while. I guess if we're being really clear it started 24 years ago when I was... born? I don't know. I don't even believe in the tried and 'true' mantra of "I think therefore I am" anymore. I've gone past solipsism. Is this what it means to be an existentialist? If so, fuck this noise. And oh God, is it ever noise. I feel simultaneously more and less human than I ever have before. These experiences... my life itself... I want to be so many things that I'm not. Chief among them would be "good", or "kind". Despite all this though... I'm not depressed.

I want to die because the world is so beautiful, and I'm not. Or the world could be beautiful, and people like me are what prevent it from ever being so. Haha. Throw in a bit of a god complex, a lot of media for reference points, and my mind has brewed up a perfect narrative that establishes my own wilful, blissful suicide... done for the right reasons... will somehow make things better. Or something. I'm terrified and elated 24/7. The world is amazing, but what if I need to go to make its people truly happy? What if... they... want to go? What if I want to go too? I guess I'm fucked. I'm doomed.

It's been a hell of a ride so far anyway. I have no clue what the fuck is going on, but I know there is SOME-FUCKING-THING GOING ON. It's torturous. Like the whole world is giddly laughing at my permanent ignorance instead of trying to correct the problem that prevents me from functioning properly. Or maybe they are trying... somehow... and I'm just too retarded to piece it all together at this point. Either way... it's painful. And I wish it wasn't. Being is painful. Why can't I enjoy the pain?

Forgive the rambling bullshit by the way, but I'm kind of losing my shit. Is there a word for this that isn't "madness" or "schizophrenia" or "bi-polar" or some other shit? Is this a universal experience? Does everyone deal with this? What the fuck do you do with this kind of energy? It is... so... unpredictable. And yet not entirely so... it baits me into openings that aren't actually there. It gives me a glimpse - a little flash of the celestial titties - then disappears completely, not even leaving a smile or a phone number. I don't want to be in an abusive relationship with God/Reality/The Matrix/Aliums but FUCKIN' AY, man. Whatever I'm experiencing/witnessing, it is a goddamned cocktease.

I read the whole thing and I don't really understand what the problem is.  Are you just getting worked up over nothing?   Have you tried breathing slowly and deeply and letting your mind become silent?   Might make you feel better.

My mind going silent is a different kind of discomfort, and... how to put this... the path of my being usually does a good job of distracting me back onto a train of thought. It's quite a trial. Like I said though, I have thought of that... I've thought of taking it to an extreme degree and just fading from reality in some forest somewhere. Where do we draw the line? What is true balance? I can wash my rice bowl and think about life, but I can't just wash the damn bowl. Or I can, but I will always feel my hands moving, my heart beating, my hair brushing against my clothes, the taste in my mouth if there is one... all great signs of life. Why should one treat thought any differently? The goal should to be to think positively, no? Rather than stop entirely?

I mean I've thought negatively my entire life thus far...

[Obbe]

Life isn't about some goal, it's about living.  Overthinking can lead to delusional thoughts and learning to silence the mind from time to time can counterbalance that.

Where do we draw what line?  What are you talking agout?  What's wrong with feeling your heart beat and tasting tastes?  Why do you want to starve yourself in the woods?

I don't understand why you've made this thread or what the problem is.

[WS]

Ah yes you are growing young HTS. When the discomfort is great enough you will emerge from this a beautiful butterfly.. or dead.. 50/50 chance.

[Tupac Shakur]

Is that a song

[delerium]

Life isn't about some goal, it's about living.  Overthinking can lead to delusional thoughts and learning to silence the mind from time to time can counterbalance that.

Where do we draw what line?  What are you talking agout?  What's wrong with feeling your heart beat and tasting tastes?  Why do you want to starve yourself in the woods?

I don't understand why you've made this thread or what the problem is.

I can dig it. I'm slowly getting a hang of silencing my mind. It's a different kind of discomfort though, so it's less to do with silencing the mind and more to do with silencing the mind briefly while I regain the composure required to see things in a less shitty and terrifying light. There's nothing inherently wrong with feeling your heart beat or tasting tastes, but that's what I'm saying I guess... there's nothing inherently wrong with thought either. I just need to try and have the ones that don't suck.

As for the "starve myself in the woods" thing, that does sound a wee bit melodramatic phrased that way. I've reached a conclusion that makes it seem like the only moral choice on my part. I'm not sure if I can manifest matter from elsewhere into this reality, right? And if there's a chance that this reality is part of God and I've only survived this long by his willingness to let me literally eat his body in the form of plants/animals, drugs, alcohol, etc... and I've finally realized that's what life is... it only seems moral to say thank you and be on my way.

At the same time, maybe the universe wouldn't mind some company. I don't want to overstay my welcome though, you know? I'd like to believe that welcome never expires unless I fuck up in some significant way, but every so often I get the vibe that I've already fucked up and gone too far; seen and done too much for my continued presence here to be moral. I'd really like to believe there's not some celestial being out there who wishes to feed off my energy 'til I'm dead, but damn if my experiences as a being thus far haven't attempted to make me believe that was the case. I also don't want to just be kept around because I'm of some use/entertainment value, but maybe that's asking too much eh? Being a God's dancing monkey doesn't really sit well with me.

Seems there's a greater side to the life/death duality, a big yin/yang to our little yin/yangs. I don't think anything alive can stand to be in the presence of death, and life created us for the purpose of achieving negligible senescence/actual immortality. Kind of a big fuck you to the concept of death. I can totally get behind that idea, but I can't know anything. It's like there's a prime directive not to directly interfere with my life, but a loophole that allows for indirect interference as long as I reach conclusions myself based on non-specific information accrued over a lifetime.

So to answer your question of what's wrong? Hopefully nothing, but possibly me. And that scares me, because I've got a pretty fucking beautiful view for the world that a lot of people would tell me isn't supported by "reality".

[mashleshmash]

You just need a man to make you feel whole, LITTLE WOMAN.