I could see myself becoming a wandering hobo and heroin addict in the future. There is absolutely no one I know, no friends, I could speak to, meet with and connect with. Absolutely no social support, isolated, psychologically unstable, alienated, detached, disillusioned, completely ungrounded, because I don't really have anything to anchor me to the world, no real obligations or set routines, regular meetings with people.
I need someone to help bring me back down to Earth, back to life. I would be happy if I could only have a moment where I could dance to song, feel the energy, and remember "Ah, so this is what life felt like." But even that was a shadow of a real life, while this current state is an empty shell. I want a moment of connection with people, of understanding, where I think "This is what life is
supposed to feel like. Then again, I can communicate with people all over the earth, even with video and sound, read thousands of pages of the writing of highly intelligent, wise, and knowledgeable people. What difference does being in physical proximity really make? It's really very shallow, a mere trigger of biological cascades, but that's part of residing in a biological vessel, what comes with it. You must do things you don't necessarily want to to maintain its health. And then there's the chance that my development has been altered, that neurological characteristics or autism, schizoid personality, schizophrenia, or psychopathy could prevent ever attaining that.
When reading the section in "The Spirit Molecule" about the reasonable criteria they used to select participants in their study, I thought about how I would fail on every account.
Did you breaktrough?
Malice can't breakthrough, because he'll pussy foot around and use some minuscule amount and then after the one try he will talk shit on dmt forever.
I was definitely using enough, but my candle-foil-straw method turned out to be awful, so I probably wasted most of it. The piracetam and etizolam I took with it probably interfered with, maybe the caffeine too since I recall reading that psychedelics, or the study may have only been on mushrooms, put you in a "dream like state". It was also at night, I had procrastinated and delayed it 4 hours, and I was sleepy. Yeah...it was pretty sad timid first attempt. Dipping your toe in the lake. It felt more like a mini ayahuasca session, from what I've read, tried breaking through multiple times until I felt satisfied that I should go to sleep.
I'm also on an irreversible MAOI (parnate), which could make things interesting. You should read about oral syrian rue or b. caapi combined with inhaled DMT, most note that it seems to prolong and "smoothen" the experience, possibly intensify it. You have more time to take it in, which allows it to be more meaningful. But, if it's too long, and some have reported up to two hours via inhalation and MAOI; it brings to mind a comment I read where if a standard DMT trip can feel like a lifetime, you could potentially have an experience that can feel like X lifetimes". I can't remember the specifics, but IIRC it was potentially around 100 or 150 lifetimes, although the math sounds completely wrong. Faced with everything in my mind, like a universe loaded into a cannon and aimed at your brain, I wonder what the risk for coming out medically catatonic or having psychosis triggered is for me.
Not ready to try again yet. Now it's very rare that I have a day where I can say I feel good, and I mean at any prolonged period throughout the day. I said before that I noticed that NSI-189 seemed to trigger a significant mood boost after weight lifting sessions, but tianeptine could be interfering with it (speculative). Will try it without it today, see how I feel. If I feel great afterward, I may try a breakthrough. Fortunately it seems that bad trips aren't that common with DMT, and they're normally over with quickly without anything to extend it.
My heat gun vape would be perfect for this if used right:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOQ0J0HgOMIDetachable bag full of cooled vapor which can be closed off with the valve or by placing your thumb over the mouth piece, and you can also press down on it to increase the rate administration. No worries about dropping a hot pipe, or being unable to manipulate a lighter if you're close but still haven't quite broken through.
