Here's mine-
I was riding in a friends car (let's call him Capone), we were going to another friend's house (let's call this guy dong). We had just picked up some DMT and were going to go smoke some. Dong who had never smoked DMT goes first. We load up a decent dose for him and using Capone's massive blow torch he had for his wax rig, we give Dong a big hit. He only takes two and doesn't hold them in, doesn't even breakthrough (although he claimed he did but it was obvious he didn't). Now my turn. I put some DMT in the pipe which already had some pooled dmt still. Not enough I claim. I put more in. It looks like too much. Easily over 100mg I had just put in there. I figure I can just smoke it down at a later time and that my hits would be the same. WRONG.
I take one hit. Hold it in, exhale. I take another as I struggle to grasp reality. I hold it in, exhale. I'm quickly losing sense of anything at all but I know that my throat is dry and I need water so I reach for the nearby cup and well... that's the last of my memory. My heart is literally racing thinking about this right now. I was flung into this crazy fucking cascade of chaotic fractals. I couldn't make sense of it all. The fractals went this way and that and I was them and they were me and then suddenly nothing. Absolute nothingness. I don't mean I blacked out, I don't mean there was a white light or fractals. I mean there was nothing whatsoever. Except for my consciousness.
Despite my state of nothingness, I was still very much conscious although I had no concept of who I was, where I was, what I was. I just knew I was some consciousness. I remember trying to figure it out and couldn't. I was just some sort of... other thing floating out in some void of eternal nothingness. It felt like eons had passed, eons and eons and eons and eons. I remember thinking "Is this all consciousness ever was, all it ever will be?" And then I started to grasp consciousness a bit. I remember a scream. Fuck. There's this place called earth, that was a human woman scream? Where the fuck am I?
I thought I was outside, in the streets. Oh my fucking god! I had done something terribly bad. Did I kill somebody? Am I hurt? Wait... my vision was clearing up. It seemed to be clearing from this... whiteblack fog. Like static but... not. I recognized where I was, I soon recognized who these people looking at me were and who I was. I tried to stand. My friend told me to lay back down. "I know man, I know, but just lay back down. Trust me". I laid down. I thought I had done something terrible. This place looked like a mess. Did I destroy his living room? Did I do something bad? I kept asking them, convinced they were lying to me that I had not done anything.
I slowly came out of it over the course of about 20, 30 minutes. Which was a long fucking time for DMT. I was in some loopy trippy state. I'm not sure how long the void lasted. As it turns out- during this trip I had flailed and screamed as soon as my friends tried to take the water cup away from me because I was going to spill it on myself. His grandma woke up and flushed the bag of DMT which was just laying out. I was barred from ever coming to this house again by Dong's grandmother. She tried to give me some speech about quitting drugs. I never really had any want to smoke dmt after this again honestly. I actually wasted what was left in my pipe by just burning it off. Capone took me off to go spend the night at another friends house and that was it. Didn't feel right the rest of the day.
This experience really effected me. I don't know what it changed in ways that I can easily put into words but I felt so much more confident and sure in myself and my reality. I kind of feel like if there is an afterlife, maybe it will be something like my trip. There is no logical reason to think this, but I feel it. I feel like it'll be just 'me' as some consciousness floating out by myself in a void of nothingness for all eternity. I felt reborn after this experience, like a new man. I had just been nothing for all eternity. There is nothing that can replace this sort of experience. Nothing that can compare. I had gotten everything I needed out of DMT. It gave me the drive to do something like hitchhike which I ended up doing a few months later. I don't think I'd have been able to do it if it weren't for this humbling experience.
Any time I feel anxiety now this is something I can look back on and in comparison to the current problem just think "Yeah, I've done THAT. This is just petty bullshit, you can do it". It's really, really helped me and I'm glad I had this experience. Although I did end up losing Dong as a friend for this and some other bullshit, I don't really care (he was a shit friend). This was the single most intense experience of my life. I'm glad it happened.
What's yours?
