sometimes I respond to spam emails

[aldra]

I don't know why. I don't even remember writing most of this last week; my friend forwarded it to me today and asked if I'd received a response (no) and whether I was on drugs when I wrote it (most likely).

That's excellent news!

Having read my CV, I imagine I don't need to tell you that I was previously Chief Semen Collector at Taronga Zoo, and as such an integral part of the artificial insemination/endangered species reproduction program. I worked diligently for four years, feeling that I was serving a truly noble cause, and every day arrived with a smile on my face, purpose in my heart and vaseline in the fist of my shoulder-length glove. You may be wondering why I'm recalling this - one fateful day, the constant exposure to animal fluids and genitalia hit me like a freight train. I was collecting a semen sample from an elephant when it happened; I simply blacked out and woke up in hospital shortly after.

I had apparently screamed "no more!" and punched the elephant on the tip of his penis. The enraged elephant reared up and stomped me, crushing my left shoulder before my associates could help distract the elephant and drag me away.

The reason I bring this terrifying anecdote up is thus: you haven't specified the specific nature of this role. Before committing, I need further information:

1. Does it involve animal genitalia? I've been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress and have been prescribed amphetamine and zolpidem to manage it. Even with the medication, though, I can't guarantee seeing an animal penis will not trigger my psychosis, even if it is just a framed photo on the wall.
2. Does it involve arm strength? My right arm is adequately strong for most manual labour, but my smashed left shoulder will never fully recover and as such, the weight I can carry with it is very limited.
3. Due to my medication, I can become highly unpredictable at night - sort of like a vampire, but insane. I once went to sleep in my bed and woke up in a bathtub full of orange juice. I have discussed this with my doctor, and he tells me it's a known side effect and completely normal.

Thank you! I look forward to hearing more about this exciting employment opportunity.


________________________________________
From: spammer
Sent: Friday, 3 October 2014 6:53 AM
To: me
Subject: response

Good day!

We considered your CV to be very attractive and we thought the vacant position in our company could be interesting for you.

Our firm specializes in consultation services in the matter of book-keeping and business administration.
We cooperate with different countries and currently we have many clients in Australia.
Due to this fact, we need to increase the number of our destination representatives' regular staff.

In their duties will be included the document and payment control of our clients.
Part-time and full-time employment are both currently important.
We offer a flat wage from $500 up to $3500 per month.

If you are interested in our offer, mail to us your answer on <email address> and we will send you an extensive information as soon as possible.

Respectively submitted
Personnel department

[millionsofdeadcats]

 

[Soso0]

Good one lol. Whats the chance they actually read it

[Idiosyncrasy]

I've responded to scammers similarly. I'll pretend that I've fallen for it, but try to get them to reveal the type of information they are attempting to get out of me. It usually doesn't work, but it can be a fun social engineering experiment.

I've gotten much more rude to solicitors too, especially now that I have a no soliciting sign and we have a city ordinance prohibiting it if a sign is posted. The last couple times, I asked where the person lives. They don't really know how to respond, and I say I'll just stop by their house later on to talk about work. Gets them off script. And then I thank them for waking up my son from his nap.

[aldra]

yeah, I generally don't like hanging up on people so I either don't answer the phone or try to force them to disconnect. recently had a call from a life insurance company... I told them I didn't need funeral insurance because I planned to have my corpse mailed to someone I didn't like, and posting a dead body couldn't cost more than a few hundred dollars.

[Max Headroom]

I scan my computer thoroughly for logfiles from hackers, etc. And sometimes edit and or make copies saying hi, I'm not mad. I highly doubt they get read but it would be cool.