« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2014, 06:43:05 am »
Just went back and re-read my last two reviews on Amazon. Both of the products had other funny reviews written for them, so I figured I'd put in my 2c as well.
Enjoy.
Microwave for One
This review is from: Microwave for One (Hardcover)
This book continues to change my life day after day.
A few years back, I received an email from a nice Nigerian fellow who informed me that I inherited a $20 million from a late uncle that I never knew that I even had who was a petroleum engineer in Nigeria.
It was legit. I asked my mom about him and she denied it, but I knew she was just being coy and trying to keep me away from the family fortune. My mom is a sneaky woman. So I asked my father about him and he too denied it. He also went on to say that the whole thing was a scam. Joke’s on him though, because Prince Uchidi is for real. My parents are idiots and they won’t get anything from me after I get my cash. For my own piece of mind, I talked at length to the Prince about my late uncle and he told me about how my mother and uncle had an affair, manufactured and distributed crystal methamphetamine, but later had a falling out because my mother got all preggers with me and it was getting in the way (in more ways than one, I guess.) With my late uncle being a petroleum engineer and all, it makes perfect sense that he was so good at making meth. Sweet, delicious, burning meth. It also might explain my dependency on meth since birth. Delectable, mouth watering, painful meth. Either way, my folks can bite me, I aint giving them nothing when I get it.
Now fast forward to the present day. I am still waiting for Prince Uchidi to come through with my loot, but I am confident he will in due time. Anyway, since I have sent all of my money to him (and I continue to do so,) I had to make some financial adjustments here and there. Due to what doctors call a “full blown meth addiction”(?), I had a few medical problems to deal with, too. So I decided to donate blood, and that’s when doctors discovered all of the holes in my legs that I picked at relentlessly because of all of the bugs that were crawling on me after being up for five days. Everyone knows that when you stay up for long periods of time, you emit an odor that bugs flock (or crawl) to. Long story short, they cut off my legs because some of the open sores had become gangrenous. I was finally freed of my walking devices. Those pesky legs did nothing but attract bugs anyhow. So I sold my car for some cash and built a skate-crate. Basically, I took an old skateboard and bolted a milk crate to it. One day I plopped the upper half of my body into my skate-crate and paddled down the road to the public library. The trucks are quite loose and I fell over a few times, but after four hours to travel two miles, I finally made it. And I am so glad that I did.
That’s when I found this book. I checked it out thinking it’d come in handy since I couldn’t reach the refrigerator any longer, and my microwave lies neatly on my living room floor next to all of my other sundries and nick-nacks. Sweet Jeebus. This is the best book ever written, hands down. My usual nightly diet of Ramen and tears has since been coupled with such delights as Taquito Banditos and Duck Confit. Her recipe for Menudo is to die for. I am pretty certain that it’s 100% authentic too, as they’ve been using microwaves in Mexico for the last eight centuries or so. But what’s even more crazy is that Sonia Allison isn’t even Mexican. She must just have a knack (or gift as I prefer to call it) for helping upstanding (no self-pun intended), self-reliant members of society to better themselves.
And cook a few things along the way.
Meth.
Giant 5 Pound Gummy Bear
This review is from: Giant Gummy Bear approx 5 Pounds - Cherry Flavored Giant Gummy Bear (Grocery)
Fun for the Whole Family!
I purchased this behemoth so I could eat it on stage at my audition for `America's Got Talent.' I made it through his legs, arms and ears before I had to take a quick 5 because of the hallucinations (Jesus in the rafters holding a raccoon wearing sunglasses and Maya Angelou chopping wood in front of the White House are all that I can recall at the moment as it's difficult to remember on many levels for many reasons.) I then transitioned into tackling the torso. And wow. Just. Wow.
At this point, my jaw was in excruciating pain so I resort to punching myself in the face to try and numb it up. Luckily, the studio where the auditions are held is next door to a clinic so a Production Assistant ran over there and stole me a couple of whacks of Demerol (about 50 CC's, but again, all of this is pretty fuzzy.) So now that I'm hopped up on goofballs and what not, I can resume why I am there: to destroy this evil that I have now decided to start calling Ernie. I am not too sure why I chose that name. Maybe because in the days prior to my audition I was up for 8 days on a steady diet of meth, speedballs and liverwurst and watching Sesame Street on PBS, so it was all still fresh in mind. Yeah, that makes more sense.
Back to Ernie. I was making a nice dent in the torso and then the unthinkable happened. Sharon Osborne, (this was back when she was still a judge) accompanied by some security guards approached me on the stage and poked me with cattle prods. As I laid there motionless, all I could feel was the feeling of denseness in my tummy like I'd just eaten a sandbag, and the cold kiss of steel around my wrists.
Thereafter, I was interrogated. Heavily. I don't think they interrogated Ernie because he doesn't have ears anymore and he couldn't hear them. As it turns out, I never actually signed up for the audition (formalities, semantics.) I guess in my incoherent state of being up for so long, I stole this giant gummy bear from a patient at the clinic next door (along with the Demerol, so no PA stole it for me), walked into the studio, hopped on a forklift and drove it to the stage where the audition was.
And now my only Hollywood story of `America's Got Talent' is now referred to as `El Jefe's Got Diabetes'.
Either way, I haven't heard from Ernie since the trial.
.... *Turns computer off*
Logged
My will, as it were.
To Zek, get over the fucking kittens man.
To RisiR, you'll always be my favourite hater.
To -SpectraL, you're one of the only people here who can insult Arnox without ramming it down his throat.
To Arnox, fuck you.
