Help me help myself

[Fuck Shit Stack]

newfie detected

correct

Lol, newfies are alright for the most post

tertiary topic: wtf is going on with your own oil? IIRC you can't use it domestically and there are a shitload of tariffs and regulations on it, basically resulting in intl companies making the majority of the loot while newfies are just offshore laborers and people with degrees from other places get the higher level jobs. For all Danny Boys "wez proud newfies standing up to big gubmint now" he kinda took the newfies out of the equation. You've still got Alberta like levels of growth (past few years) but it seems it could be more beneficial

Newfies are good god fearing folk in my book, there's a sexy female:male ratio too. A guy I hated in high school opened a club out there and hasn't been back, lol

[Idiosyncrasy]

I apologize for things I shouldn’t apologize for.  One example, sometimes I apologize to my boss about a disagreement we have (after thinking about it overnight), and he says that it's water under the bridge and that he has forgotten about it.  My wife helps keep me in check about some things, and she did yesterday too.

I have a class tonight that revolves mostly around group work.  Last week, it went well, but I picked up some vibes that I was a little overbearing in some aspects, but I still think we all gelled well.  However, I mentioned to my wife that I feel like I need to apologize to the group in case I was overbearing and that I wasn’t trying to take charge of things too much.  This is after we all admitted that we enjoy being in control and can have somewhat dominant personalities when it comes to projects.  It was a running half-joke that still had truth.

My wife told me not to apologize.  She said that it could make me seem like a push-over, and asked me if I really did anything wrong.  I confirmed that I didn’t do anything that would have been intentionally wrongful, so it would be best to just go with it.  They probably won’t even remember whatever happened and I was just dwelling on it too much.  I also know that over-apologizing can be perceived as weak and lacking self-confidence.  Full circle with the over-thinking, over-analyzing again.

How do I improve myself to where I don’t over-think simple interactions, dwell on them, and then knit-pick the situation in my brain to the point of wanting to apologize for something that may only exist in my head?

[equanimity]

Have you considered meditation?  It's a very direct practice of quieting the mind, and letting go such thoughts.  Requires time and effort, but for many people the results are drastic.

I'm a very neurotic (downright crazy, in the past) person with a penchant for self-destruction, and I've learned that sanity is an active practice.  Meditation helped a great deal.  When I notice myself feeding into the harmful thoughts in daily life, I stay with my breath for a few moments or focus on relaxing my body.  Composure always returns, in time.

[Idiosyncrasy]

Have you considered meditation?  It's a very direct practice of quieting the mind, and letting go such thoughts.  Requires time and effort, but for many people the results are drastic.

I'm a very neurotic (downright crazy, in the past) person with a penchant for self-destruction, and I've learned that sanity is an active practice.  Meditation helped a great deal.  When I notice myself feeding into the harmful thoughts in daily life, I stay with my breath for a few moments or focus on relaxing my body.  Composure always returns, in time.

I should try it.  Finding some constant quiet time to myself might be a challenge, but it could be good.

My family has a history of anxiety.  My mom, dad, and my sister have all been on medications at some point (or still are), and they can be rather... yeah.

Sometimes I have mild anxiety "attacks" if you will, but they are very brief.  I'm a strong believer in will-power over medications, so I find ways to deal with it.  Sometimes I notice myself feeling anxious, my jaw starts to clench, my eyes dart around, and then I notice that I'm holding my breath.  I just make myself slow down, focus on breathing and relaxing, and focus on resuming composure.  I've never had an extreme panic attack like others in my family.

It seems like meditation would be similar in that you forget about all the noise in your mind, and just focus on breathing and relaxing.

What about the overwhelming desire to apologize?  Would meditation help that?

[equanimity]

I should try it.  Finding some constant quiet time to myself might be a challenge, but it could be good.

My family has a history of anxiety.  My mom, dad, and my sister have all been on medications at some point (or still are), and they can be rather... yeah.

Sometimes I have mild anxiety "attacks" if you will, but they are very brief.  I'm a strong believer in will-power over medications, so I find ways to deal with it.  Sometimes I notice myself feeling anxious, my jaw starts to clench, my eyes dart around, and then I notice that I'm holding my breath.  I just make myself slow down, focus on breathing and relaxing, and focus on resuming composure.  I've never had an extreme panic attack like others in my family.

It seems like meditation would be similar in that you forget about all the noise in your mind, and just focus on breathing and relaxing.

What about the overwhelming desire to apologize?  Would meditation help that?

Yeah many psychological issues seem to be influenced by genetics, and anxiety is definitely one of them.  "Will-power" is an interesting term, like you're forcefully asserting your will over yourself.  It seems a little harsh to me, especially when dealing with anxious neuroticisms.  For me, I prefer more of a gentle and brave effort.  Everyone is different, though.

Language is powerful.

Would meditation help with a desire to apologize?  I think so.  A sober mind helps in nearly all aspects of life.  There are other things you can try to do, like remaining mindful of your speech.  I like the way this meditation instructor said it... "All speech should be sincere, useful, and said with kindness."

That's another fun practice, but it will be difficult to manage without learning to quiet your mind along with it.  As you are, it may just be another way to get lost in those self-conscious thoughts.

Try to remember that it's okay to be the way you are.  I mean improvement would certainly be a nice thing, but everything will be just fine if you do apologize, don't apologize, or whatever.  When you're lying in your death bed, you won't be thinking, "Man, my one regret is that I apologized to my group back in 2014.  Why did I do that?"

Everyone makes mistakes.  Tons and tons of them.  We live and experience the world, imperfect as we are, and then we die.  S'all good.

[Zanick]

You're thoughtful, sensitive and require precision to be satisfied with your work. Find people who value these qualities and endear yourself to them despite your issue with punctuality, nothing here really needs fixing.

[Umbrella Corp]

I'm a very neurotic (downright crazy, in the past) person with a penchant for self-destruction, and I've learned that sanity is an active practice. 

Lol, sigged

[Tokolosh]

You're thoughtful, sensitive and require precision to be satisfied with your work. Find people who value these qualities and endear yourself to them despite your issue with punctuality, nothing here really needs fixing.

Yeah, don't be a hippy faggot. OP doesn't need to change who he is, but a little tweaking here and there isn't inadmissible. Everyone can and should strive to improve certain aspects of themselves; for self-preservation and comfortability of life.

It seems to be me that Idio's over-analytical disposition hinders his ability to make good social cues. He might interject at the wrong time and fuzz the ongoing conversation. He then subconsciously picks up on this and beats himself up over it either during or on reflection.

--

What's good is that you're very self-aware. The fact you've picked up on adverse physiological aspects is a huge step forward (holding ones breath when nervous) and have taught yourself to ground yourself. People who suffer from moderate-to-aggressive anxiety do not really detect this shit and only really notice it when you point it out to them.

One thing you're probably not doing is actually listening to the conversation. You're watching and feeling the movement of the interaction without hearing what people are trying to say. Doing this requires you to lie in wait for your time to speak, so you can prove that you're 'part of the group' and want to help it progress. While your particular mindset is actually progressive, it might jump too far forward for some people and might feel they are left behind. Silences and gaps in conversational think tanking are sometimes just people mulling over the concepts that have just manifested, and you might mistake this for people's inability to comprehend something, so you might chime in and try to complete it, for example.

Your habitual apologising is just a follow on from this. Not wanting to burn bridges  and instead create them. If you're picking up you're being too much, 'save' by yours actions and not words. Try not to steal people's mental build up and instead cater and contribute to it. If someone is struggling find a word for something, do it for them and go back to listening to them rounding it off.

In terms of your diligence: "I need to figure out how to wake up and stay up."

Do you eat breakfast? If so, what?

On the subject, your diet is huge factor to your mental stability and cognition. Do this: One day, eat a pizza or some other junk, and observe how your mood etc slowly completely depletes, compared to if you've eaten something far healthier, which might contain white meat, salad, vegetables and sweet potatoes. The comparison is highly enriching and eye-opening if you've never put two and two together before.

[Infinityshock]

Have you considered meditation?  It's a very direct practice of quieting the mind, and letting go such thoughts.  Requires time and effort, but for many people the results are drastic.

I'm a very neurotic (downright crazy, in the past) person with a penchant for self-destruction, and I've learned that sanity is an active practice.  Meditation helped a great deal.  When I notice myself feeding into the harmful thoughts in daily life, I stay with my breath for a few moments or focus on relaxing my body.  Composure always returns, in time.

I should try it.  Finding some constant quiet time to myself might be a challenge, but it could be good.

My family has a history of anxiety.  My mom, dad, and my sister have all been on medications at some point (or still are), and they can be rather... yeah.

Sometimes I have mild anxiety "attacks" if you will, but they are very brief.  I'm a strong believer in will-power over medications, so I find ways to deal with it.  Sometimes I notice myself feeling anxious, my jaw starts to clench, my eyes dart around, and then I notice that I'm holding my breath.  I just make myself slow down, focus on breathing and relaxing, and focus on resuming composure.  I've never had an extreme panic attack like others in my family.

It seems like meditation would be similar in that you forget about all the noise in your mind, and just focus on breathing and relaxing.

What about the overwhelming desire to apologize?  Would meditation help that?

Fuck apologizing. If you feel the need to apologize...dont. think it over for a day or two and post the situation here.  Someone is sure to provide adequate advice

As far as the apology to your group friends that one is easy: hell no...you don't need to apologize to them

[Idiosyncrasy]

Thanks folks, it's like you're in my head! Most of what you guys said has a lot of truth.

As for breakfast, I usually have a cup of coffee with non-dairy creamer around 8:00 or so, and then another a little before 10:00.

[Hades]

We all have our faults.  It's time that I expose some of my real-life areas for improvement.  Any thoughts on how I can improve myself?  These are all things that I have both self-identified and that I've been told by others.

1) I over-analyze things.  Though I am an analyst by profession, I over-analyze everything.  It's annoying, even to me.
   a) I over-complicate things.  Related to number 1, but a little different.  I almost over-complicated this point with extra detail, like you wouldn't know what I meant.
2) I take things too personally.  This used to be that I would get defensive easily, but I have since cut back on the defensiveness.  But I still take some things personally.
   a) I also care too much about what others think about me, though I've cut down on this a lot.
3) I'm routinely 5 minutes late for work.  For some reason, I just can't get my butt out of bed.

Thanks for taking the time.  Of course there are a ton of other opportunity areas where I could make myself a better person, but these stick out in my mind at the moment.  Feel free to post your own ailments that you would like to have help with improving.

inb4killmyself

   Dude...  You Hijacked my life!!!
You should have asked me for it, it would have given it to ya with a warning    Or better yet.. hijack someone else's life
Really, this is so familiar it's creepy

Then again here's a few things i picked up underway (for whatever it's worth)...

1) A thing a former manager (the only one who ever managed to manage me so... the guy knew his job) of mine taught me:
Whenever jou suddenly find yourself (over)analyzing something, stop and analyze your analysys.  If it's something useful (like analyzing a realistic potential problem, figuring out something that seems wrong or satisfying your curiosity), continue.  If not, or if the effort needed is greeater than the potential reward, stop, recovder and refocus.
It's a bit abstract, but i found training this principle works quite well really.  In work AND private life.
1a) I know... and it sucks big time...  I'm like that too... take some huge detour with often ingenious solutions for a problem that only required a wheel.  It's annoying but i console myself with the few times this actually leads to a genuinely new solution.
2)  Somethhing i learnt from my therapist is to objectify fact from interpretation.  Analyse the points of critique and use your analyzing skills to see if there's any point to them.  Usually you'll find that it's well intended and/or useful.  Dont focus on who said what words in what time and in what manner cos that's just one possible subjective interpretation. 
2a) There's another one of these things that seriously helped messing my life up....  I cut down on it specially in the number of people who'se opinion of me i find interesting or relevant.  There's no way of pleasing everyone (only socipaths can do that).  And if you wonder what people you do care about are thinking, just ask.  You may find they think you're actually a generally ok person. 
Besides people form opinions about people and gossip all the time.  That's just a reality of placing humans in a group.
3) I soooooooooooo know that feeling.  You just need to buy a faster car.  Things improved dramatically for me when i traded in my fiat for an alfa romeo... went from constant ly between 5 and 10 minutes late to anywhere between 5 minutes early to 2 minutes late (which doesn't count as being late.  For some bizarre reason, i even managed to avoid being ticketed.


PS prepared this some time ago, so maybe some of these things are already covered above... if so, my humble apologies

[Umbrella Corp]

tl;dr

fucking mudfarmer