I've spent the fast few days looking through my old text messages and threads and I'm experiencing a mix of cringe and relief when I realize I've ruined like 2 dozen potential relationships because I assumed I was defective and that the only type of person who could care about me would either be defective (so I'd end up hating them) or only talking to me out of pity or malcontent.
It's pretty weird in retrospect because I now realize I'd communicate every thought I had with whichever girl I had been corresponding with in an abnormally articulate, college-professor like manner. Even while doing this I'd be terrified that the other person found me boring/annoying/thought I was a loser. I'd be continually talking to the same girls after my 68th bitchfit, and at the same time it never occurred to me that these people might actually like me.
How fucking retarded must I have been to not realize that this girl was flirting with me? She literally sat next to me for a month and it still didn't click in my head.
Instead I thought she was being a bitch to me and went on a giant crusade against her which ended up having her cry in front of my face. God damn it you moron, you've been cockblocking yourself your entire life because you automatically assume everyone hates you. I believe Zoklet may have played a part in my extremely low self esteem but zoklet > sex anyway.
