I think DMT might effect me very differently than normal people. Probably a very bad sign, unless I haven't broken through. I've said before that it wouldn't surprise me if it turned out I had a brain tumor, neurodegenerative disease, my brain was riddled with cancer, or various other disorders and deformities.
(Yesterday) Had mild mini-ayuahuasca like trip first, which left me feeling positive and warm, and helped identify and answer some problems. Maybe an hour later I loaded 40mg and swapped in a big turkey sized bag for my vape, finished it all with no problem. DMT (extract) has such a unique smell, flower like, but there's also something cold and alien about it, inorganic.
I remember having set a sequence I would follow, to make it easier under an impaired state, although it seems self-discipline, control, can have a large impact on how well I function. Have trip spot in place (seat cushions in front of a large rice bag, one behind head), eye shades on head, blanket draped over. Then inhale from bag, hold it, and press k to begin song at low volume, go sit down. After starting the song, there was the feeling of "something big is about to happen", and I rushed to sit down and take another hit. Then I noticed the volume seemed to low to hear, and I scrambled to sloppily raise it. Then the hot plate turned on, which wouldn't have really been a problem, but I scrambled again to turn it off, and also had the thought that the speakers, not headphones were on, and I may have turned the volume up enough to potentially disturb the upstairs, so I scrambled to turn it down/off.
I remember as it was coming on and time seemed dilated, the tiles began to look very interesting in a way, and thought what a terrible way to start this was, rushed, potentially anxiety producing, although I didn't feel that way. Then I thought how laughable it was that I thought I could influence this.
"I've been here before". I'm not sure if I can bring the image to mind, but I remember thinking how ordered the visualization, then area in my mind's eye, looked. It reminded me of something that might be from a bizarre 90's CGI cartoon or computer game. Just empty, yet perfectly ordered, and robotic in way. Like something a computer program would produce to live in. Cold, alien, unemotional. The feelings that come on during a moderate trip. "If this is DMT, I don't like it." Then thinking about how simple that really was, and there was no need for it to seem particularly negative. That even if this is what it was like in my current state, there was the possibility of change.
Then I thought whether it was a reflection of my mind, of myself and inability to let go, the need to have everything structured, how dead my imagination was. Sometime later I shifted my awareness to my body and noted that my shoulders were hunched upward, a posture I regularly catch myself in, likely a symptom of anxiety and insecurity, almost like that of a child before a beating.
I had thought before or after this about how many aspects of my life may be strongly influenced by the desire to feel in control. I remember reading a report where the author noted that xanax didn't seem to negatively influence his trip and helped him to "let go". "Just let go" is a phrase that ran through my mind during my last attempt, and this one. I don't think I've ever, or at least in a very long time, felt fully relaxed. I don't even feel comfortable making facial expressions in public, let alone "letting go" and having the experience others do. How there are no people in my inner world, no thoughts of them with any feeling of empathy, they may as well be robots, largely just things to be analyzed and receive information from. How the strongest emotions are generally caused by others, the impact of engaging in conversation, of listening, noting tone and body language, facial expressions, forming a response and continuing to do so as you speak; the negative effects avoiding this for so long could have. How the strongest, best, memories people have are usually of situations involving other people, and I completely lacked that, with my past a black hole, an empty life. How many problems my lifestyle could have caused, how it could have impacted my development, along with being abnormal to begin with.
Trying to avoid going into a thought loop. Noting that the natural reaction of a higher dose seemed to be for my mouth to hang open, not in the manner that's caused from shock/surprise or awe, which may be associated with schizophrenia. Whether my defense mechanisms, the order, was preventing a chaotic stream from emerging, which wouldn't be bad as long as it wasn't psychotic. I had a very nice shroom session that started in the shower, and then I just sat on the floor with a light stream of water running and going through various visualizations and learning how to function in that state. I remembered the hypothesis in "The Spirit Molecule" that endogenous DMT could be a part of schizophrenia, a potential "schizo-toxin". If the pineal gland produces DMT then just due to genetic variation, mutations, I could see some people having having a defect in the system, just like ADD and differences in the dopaminergic system, anxiety and GABA, and many other examples.
Whereas a low dose has a nice anti-depressant effect afterward, which I'm not sure how long it lasts, a larger one which sends me to that strange space seems to worsen my mood afterward and lead to dysfunctional behavior, possibly feeling somewhat "schizophrenic". I worry at times during the trip that, feel as if, it could devolve into an actual (quasi-)schizophrenic episode.
Fuck it, I'm just going to IV .5mg/kg about 30 minutes after having plugged parnate (MAOI) and see what happens.
While I noted that if that's what DMT is like for me, I don't like it, I also don't find it frightening, particularly after a low dose experience. This way I'll know for sure whether I'm experiencing "breaking through", which I doubt, or whether it effects me differently, or there's something interfering.
I may have mentioned before that in "LSD: Doorway to the Numinous" and in "LSD Psychotherapy" they discussed which patients, which pathologies and traits, seem to have and cause the most resistance to it, and how not one symptom, even pupil dilation and visual distortions, where present in all sessions, and he conducted and observed thousands. There was one remarkable story of a patient where they eventually worked up to a 1500 mic IM of LSD and when the peak would normally be nothing, he was bored, felt nothing, and even asked and was allowed to get a snack and play chess in the social room. It took 38 high dose sessions before his defenses were lowered enough to the point where he began regressing into childhood and reliving traumatic experiences.
I wonder if it's possible for some rare people to actually resist DMT. My above plan should settle that. I'll also need to read about potential augmenters, combinations, tips and tricks while in the trip. So much to read and try, but this seems worth experimenting with. It hasn't been that long since I felt euphoric on a shroom combo, I shouldn't have degraded that much in the time being, things may only be dormant, not dead or strongly diminished for the time. I'm excited about trying rectal mescaline salt. If it has a positive effect on me, my mood and imagination, then I'll try DMT again during the trip and see how it effects it.
Then there's transcranial stimulation, which has enormous potential for being combined with psychedelics. It has the potential for anxiety elimination without interfering with the trip, and possibly augmentation like no other. This, the effects, could be like nothing anyone has ever tried before, far beyond them.
Idea: Rizzo mentioned before that he may be moving to the bay area. Since I am not a good subject, I could use him as a guinea pig for safe transcranial experiments with a few key psychedelics (LSD, DMT, "ayahuasca" (longer and milder DMT experience), and mescaline) along with various combinations with other drugs. With his experience and writing ability, capability for profound experiences, he could be a very good match for this. Along with (often) being poor, homeless, and addicted, it would lower "costs" considerably, raise the marginal utility of what I'm offering and make him more likely to accept. Free drugs, the potential for experiences like no other, participating in what could be the first major furthering of the psychedelic frontier, the field of study, in a very long time, food, comforts/a nice preparation for the trip, a well prepared setting, a trip sitter with a variety of pharmaceuticals and medical kit to handle any situation who can stay composed due to being a strong rationalist and unemotional and has a large knowledge base.
