Title contains words that didn't exist before this threads inception
Alternative title: why I post on this shithole
I dunno, I've always been around people, it just always seemed to be people with an adversarial relationship with "society" so to speak, drug dealers, users, criminali's and whatnot. Tbh, I've had parole officers ask if my immediate family members were "pro social" and responded with "what does that mean?" which was definitely a red flag for them and went on my file. I dunno, the most "positive pro social" people in my life, in a "role model" sense, even growing up were bitter people. My moms friends were all pretty crazy people, most of them "fit in" in a way but the majority were lost, bitter and had a streak of eccentricity and craziness. My fathers friends were all drinkers who'd come and go. Most of my white friends in elementary school somehow fell into "le art seen" in whatever bum ass degenerate capacity and I haven't talk to them in years, everything after that has been based on mutual interests in drugs, money, power etc. not trying to sound like a tryhard faggot but it's true. This is not to say I wouldn't call these people "fwends" at the time, it's just that's what our relativity point for a relationship was: mutual all encompassing selfishness that impeded our ways to trust and open up to people. Can't tell how many girls have noticed I'd "act funny" when I'd decide I didn't trust them and my default mode would be picking out what's bad about them even if it was something so benign you'd have to be a fucking weirdo to let it bug you. Anyways...
For a good couple years I was really never alone, like if I was it was only for a few minutes. At no point was I not expecting to see someone soon. I realized a few weeks ago that if you don't count the month or so when I had a single cell in prison I've only lived by myself for a few weeks in my lyfe which might not seem weird to people living at home but over the last year I've realized that the vast majority of things that seemed normal to me were not. My whole life has basically been a gradual shift from dysfunctionality to functionality that required clockwork orange style reprogramming via jail and semi forced attendance of 12 step meetings. I really thought everyone was weird, stupid, boring and lost until the last year when I realized that they just exist on a different wavelength which causes them to be/seem weird, stupid boring and lost. Being around like minded people reinforced these perceptions I had of the world. I think to some extent people were affecting a demeanor because they knew what mine was about. Also, when released from prison, I had a stipulation on my parole papers saying "not to associate with members of the drug subculture." I literally stared at that for a good while. Drugs are a SUBculture? Since when? They were the predominant culture of my life for such a long time, the rest of the world seemed a subculture within that. When you're in that world everything seems like a backdrop to the drug infested world you're in. Why even consider the mundane shit that's part of the "real" culture when you can be sniffing cocaine and making tax free money?
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I've fucked like a dozen girls that are on thedirty.com and didn't realize I was setting myself up to be confronted with this fact until I found out what thedirty.com was. It just made sense to me that you fuck dirty skanx because you don't have to be respectful to them and they're fun sometimes and stuff. Fuck this thread is pathetic. That's not what I was trying to say at all, well, kinda but I lost focus. Tits. I saw a girl today from the back walking away from the bank I fucked 4-5 years ago who's on the dirty.com and her hair is so FUCKING bleach blonde it's almost white like Julian Assange who she's definitely never heard of.
What I was really trying to say is zoklet and shit have helped me reintegrate into society by providing a bridge between social-antisocial and social (even though most of you are just faggots, victims and losers, the overall tone and texture of the website is social-antisocial if u/\/0\/\/ut!/\/\3@/\/) even though this may seem ridiculous it's helped prevent the "culture shock" that affects so many people. Sometimes I literally feel like a Somali refugee who was just dropped in NYC and although it's not really "overwhelming" in any way, it can be nauseating and infuriating seeing how "average" "pro social" people, live, act and think. It's enough to make you molotov everything
So thank you zoklet, you actually contributed to the emotional wellbeing of someone. How I managed to extract anything of value from such a shithole will require a deep psychoanalytic profile of a sick;y Ohio fucking weirdo retarded nerd but somehow the planets aligned and Jeff Hunter smiled upon me and said "just chill lil nigga" and chill I have.
It sounds GAY AS FUCK but if you're here or posted on zoklet you helped contribute to my overall well being by helping me reintegrate into society which is still a VERY uphill battle I will eventually win. At the beginning of last year I was in a rehab facility and my brother came up on the "family day" and his phone rang and it was somehow for me. It was a buddy who knew my brothers number and heard I might be getting out and he wanted me to sell guns. I told him I'd call him in a few weeks. That night I lay in my bed feeling like my cocksure optimism about staying out of prison was retarded "people like you don't have that trajectory in life" I kept hearing in my head because I'd seen it before so many times. I read a Buddhist book that's helped me since, long story short, I never did anything criminal with my buddy and I'm here posting this on a friday night in fucking september when I should be out gettin FUKKKTTTTUPNFUKKINWHYTEGURRRLSCHCHRISSTINAAGULARIAAAAA but instead I'm just gonna smoke a joint, study some chemistry and quan, watch that fictionalized Jim Jones story movie that came out last year like NORMAL RESPECTABLE PRO SOCIAL ADULT
Nobody read this thread, it's triumphant and embarrassing at the SAME DAMN TIME
I've socially engineered myself not to scream BRRRRRIIIIIIICCCCCKKKKKK SQQQUQUUUUUUAAAAAADDDDDDD for ostensibly no reason wherever I go. It's rewards on text based mediums are minimal
Video extremely related
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OpjWLPDNRw
