What crimes could you be charged with right now?

[Zanick]

I have no pipes since the police took them all away

Why did the police take away your pipes?

When I went hitchhiking this summer I had left all my paraphernalia with my friend. I had in there

-Small cigarette looking one hitter
-Small golden metal bowl dubbed "The destroyer" after tripping with it and both me and my friend seeing the pipe BOIL the weed
-Glass dick that I had used for DMT- still had some resin stuck up in the stem
-Shitty mg scale
-MFLB vape
-Some pipe cleaning utensils
-Good ass fucking metal grinder

He got arrested because he had fallen asleep in his car while parked which apparently was enough to be searched by the police AND charged with a DUI. He also had some DMT on him in addition to his paraphernalia (he lived out of his car) which they somehow confiscated and didn't charge him with.

They might have just lied to get consent for a search. If it's parked illegally they can ticket it. No grounds for a search unless the drugs or paraphernalia was plainly visible. Otherwise they would need a warrant, and a reason to get one at that.

That's what his lawyer is telling him.

I don't do illegal things anymore.  Oh, wait- downloading copyrighted media!

Shit.

Good shit. That could well get thrown out, provided the judge isn't a total fuck. It still sucks that an otherwise law-abiding citizen has to virtually bankrupt himself to afford a lawyer who knows how to fight bullshit charges that cops can use to jam us up whenever they feel like it.

[Prometheus]

Disparaging an agricultural product. That's a felony, right there.
Contributing to the delinquency of a minor
Unlawful access to a computer network
various crimes against the state, that may or may not include treason, depending on how much of a dick the prosecutor is

[Goatwhore]

Sexual exploitation
Sexual interference
Invitation to sexual touching
Possession of child pornography
Unlawful possession of a firearm
Possession of a prohibited firearm
Unlawful possession of explosive materials
Unlawful manufacture of explosive materials
Possession of of a Schedule III controlled substance
Manufacture of a Schedule III controlled substance
Possession of a Schedule IV controlled substance
Theft under 5000
Theft over 5000
Mischief under 5000
Trespassing
Making, having or dealing in instruments for forging or falsifying credit cards
Unauthorized use of computer
Unlawful possession of device to obtain computer service

And probably several more.

[BallsDeep69]

Illegally Downloading movies
Illegally Download games
Use of a drone to view neighbours backyard while said neighbour was sunbathing
Theft under 500
Theft over 500
Mischief under 500
Sexual abuse
Rape
Murder
Theft of a vehicle
Usage of an illegal firearm
Owning an illegal firearm
Setting illegal snares
Possession of child pornography
Government harassment
Vandalism of government property
Making bombs
Using bombs
Possession of crystal methamphetamine
Possession of Cannabis
Possession of Cocaine

Probably a couple more, can't think of all of them.

EDIT:
Trespassing
Unauthorised use of a computer