This was originally by i love chronic. my mah niggah rest in peace
This is going to be TLDR but I feel I should share my experience with opioid addiction and dependance:
The first time I got high on an opioid was when I was like 13 years old, I had an eye injury and was prescribed hydrocodone/apap and I remember sitting in my bean bag chair staring at the blank tv screen not wanting to get upthinking "this feels good man."
Oxycodone,hydrocodone, hydromorphone, etc(Full agonist use)
I messed around with opioids from age 13 to 16 in a recreational manner the whole time never developing a problem. I remember reading on bltc/erowid about oxycontin and found out a friend had a source for them and we began getting large amounts of them and only used them occasionally. I snorted a tiny like 10 mg line and puked my brains out the first time I tried it. I didn't even like it. Fast forward to freshman year in HS I took 15mgs of oxy and was nodding out in class and when I got home I ran to the back yard to projectile vomit. That time I was warming up to it. I did not try hydromorphone until I was about 16 years old and only had a small amount of it so it did not really take with me because by that age I was more interested in maintaining on opioids than achieving euphoria. After I became dependent the euphoria was just a plus for me and it was more important to me to not feel w/d than get high. Though I have convinced myself many times that I needed that euphoria was more important than not being sick the next day.
morphine(Full Agonist Opioid/opiate)
A magical wonderful drug, oxycodone was NOTHING compared to morphine. Due to problems with diversion of medication and other medication issues my friend/source of oxycontin began taking morphine sulfate 100mg ms contins from his source because the oxys dried up. The oxy was always free and we were dumb asses and just wanted weed really when we had oxy so we would trade up like 10 oxy 80s for not very much weed(we were 13-15years old during the oxy days) The morphine however was something I really liked so I was willing to pay for it. 5$ per 100 mgs. I ended up on 100mgs of mscontin per day for at least a year with just brief stints of withdrawal when I could not get my hands on it. I was basically high for a whole year playing Starwars battle front 2 and watching history channel all day and loving every bit of it.
By this time I was about 16-17 years old and dropped out of the fine arts college prep school I was going to because of to many absences and lost a whole semester of credit.
I started going to online HS and that was one of the reasons I think that opioids filled that void in my life and they did it really well. I was doing great at that art school even while I was experimenting with drugs besides the fact that I had 10 absences in that first semester.
When I kicked morphine it was the worst withdrawal I have ever experienced. I cried like a baby for no reason had extreme physical withdrawal but I made it through and IIRC I did stay clean for quite some time but eventually convinced my self I could chip again.(hell no I couldn't)
I graduated online highschool on time despite losing the semester of credit. I started community college and my opioid use was pretty on and off. I always ended up with another habit no matter what I did. By that time I had been introduced to illicit suboxone and used that for a long ass time successfully when I didn't have pills or black tar.
Black tar heroin(Full agonist containing possibly Diacetylmorphine,6-MAM, who knows what else) A very shitty drug but does feel pretty damn good. I had been introduced to black tar in my opioid experimenting days when I was younger but it never really took with me. I like morphine alot better at the time. I liked the long acting nature of ms contin. When I first started morphine I would feel high from it even 36 hours after dosing I would have after effects. That long acting effect dissipated when dependency set in. For a good year I would chase black tar h off foil and then take suboxone when I did not have black tar to keep me from being sick. Black tar is a fucked up drug and the people you have to deal with as middle men to get it are fucked up shady junkies that have no compassion for a fellow opioid dependent addict. That strayed me away from the black tar game alot and I met a dude that was selling methadone which I took for about a month and a half and then kicked for a month and I was somewhat successful but I ended up relapsing and that led me back to legitimate suboxone.
Methadone (Full agonist/NMDA antagonist) Was my second favorite substance and I used it for about 1.5 maybe 2 months but on and off through this story when it was around. Methadone had a lot of that glow I associated with morphine. At the time I did not know methadone also had pharmacological/dynamic properties associated with NMDA antagonist effects. I was able to maintain my full time job quite well while on methadone. I slowly worked up from 10mgs to a peak of 50-60mgs per day over that period of time. Methadone has a wonderful stimulatory perceived effect for me allowing me to be very productive at work until I would sit down or lay down after work I would near instantly begin to nod out and I really enjoyed those effects. The withdrawal from methadone was not as bad as people make it out to be. In fact buprenorphine withdrawal is quite similar but slightly less minor. I attribute these less intense withdrawals to the long acting nature of both drugs. My conclusion for buprenorphine' partial agonist, pro drug full agonist, and long acting properties play the role in the withdrawal being minor compared to methadone. The withdrawal from methadone did last about 1.5 months with about 2-3 weeks of full blown withdrawal though still minor in intensity though compared to its shorter acting relatives. The Buprenorphine withdrawal period is comparable to methadone withdrawal duration but still is a minor syndrome compared to methadone. Post acute withdrawal may be more psychological or it may be an echo effect of the psychical withdrawal but it does last a good amount of time with the longer acting agonists/partial antagonist-Pro drug agonist opioids.
I am guessing that the glow effect would have disappeared just like the buprenorphine glow went away after a few months.
Suboxone and then Subutex(Buprenorphine/naloxone Mixed/Partial-Agonist-Antagonist but also a prodrug of the full agonist Nor-buprenorphine)
Before I really became psychologically dependent on buprenorphine I was able to taper off it once before with a 21 day taper back when I was still working full time with tile work and smoking black tar occasional but more often than not was maintaining on suboxone. I always did this on my own and never sought any kind of help at all but I also realize that I have to help my self more than anything and going back to opioids will never be the absolute answer it will always lead me to a dead end.
The only time I can rationalize the use of opioids is for true legitimate analgesia. But I was pretty successful with the taper and had little to no withdrawal that time basically the amount I am having at this point in time. The problem was with the follow through.
I was smoking a lot of weed, taking benzos, and drinking daily to deal with the post acute withdrawal from methadone. So I decided I may as well be on an opiate and relapsed on opiates. My mom would bitch at me about smoking so much weed so I convinced her that if I got on suboxone I would stay away from the weed and opiates. I did for a good amount of time, something like 3 months but then I started smoking weed again and eventually started getting high on top of the suboxone where I would either wait 24 hours since last buprenorphine dose to use or I would just do dope or whatever opioid on top of the suboxone. At the dose I was on(2mgs) it was no problem to get high and nod on top of such a small dose of buprenorphine and I did that on and off throughout the 3 years I was on it. At some point during the 3 years I switched to subutex because suboxone honestly was giving me headaches.
At some point towards the third year on subutex I decided that IVing dope instead of chasing it off foil was more economical and at the beginning it was. Tolerance caught up pretty quickly though and I began to need the same amount as I needed when I smoked it. I was spending most of my money on the shit and I would take buprenorphine in the morning and then obtain and shoot black tar throughout the day. At first I would shoot less than a point of dope and get high as fuck. By the time I was done it was at least .1 per shot and up to .3 in one shot. Which is not to bad actually but I could easily go through a gram in a day. When I would run out of dope I would start banging the buprenorphine even though I knew it didn't really do anything special. That's when I knew I was hooked on the needle.
I never thought I would get hooked on the needle, I never liked needles and I never will but the opioid high is a strong and alluring high. The rush is worth the risk in a junk masters mind. It went from just opioids to banging all kinds of shit, coke, etizolam/ethanol, ketamine, mxe,etc. The only thing that ever matched the rush was coke and I supposed the dissociative anesthetics matched the rush in their own way. I understand the coke rush is completely different but it is up their with the heroin rush in its own way.
NMDA antagonists, Spiritual experience.At first I was experimenting with nmda antagonists for tolerance reduction but I always knew that they helped with withdrawal but I didn't realize their full potential until recently. I talked about my robitussin doings on bltc and NOW4RNING pointed me in the direction of a drug called memantine. I just like the combination of dissociatives and opioids for some reason. I had already IVed ketamine and eventually IVed its awesome cousin that we all love
. But I would do memantine regimens to help with my tolerance and because I was attempting to wean off burpenorphine but pretty unsuccessfully because it just got worse and I ended up with a IV dope habit on top of the bupe habit. Which I partially attribute to my decision to drive a dealer around in exchange for free dope and I was loving that, haha, though with dope what you get is never enough it seems.
About 1.5 months ago I was fed up with my heroin use and I did something real fucking drastic. I decided to to eat a whole box of memantine. At first I thought I took somewhere around 500mgs but now I am guessing more like 600-800mgs of memantine. I just wanted to end this cycle I was in, I was not trying to kill myself even though this was reckless as fuck but I was trying to kill lady h/m/etc that was on my back. I IVed at least 200mgs of memantine out of that 600-800mgs which was dumb as fuck but I think it may have also saved my life. It is hard to remember the trip I had but I also went through about 80 nitrous chargers the first night of the trip. I had the most intense trips I have ever had in my life in those brief nitrous experiences. Complete and utter ego death, went to places I just cannot comprehend. After I ran out of nitrous the memantine was still kicking. It lasted about 90 hours. That first night I thought I was going to die and I did have a near death experience. I can pin point a moment where I thought about my burpenorphine and heroin use and I felt chills run from the bottom of my spine to the top of my brain like my higher self or some shit was telling me wtf are you doing to your self?
Rizzo talked about having trips where he could see through his eyelids and for about 1-2 minutes at some point in the first night I could see through my eyelids but not like normal reality more like the energy of everything around me including myself. That same night when the effects peaked I could see everything in its true nature which is in a vibrating state that our minds are not able to comprehend without certain substances or perceptual changes is the conclusion I came to about this.
It is now reaching the 50 day mark without heroin and I just discontinued buprenorphine yesterday and I am still going strong.
When I saw bltc users like panthrax and others in the depths of the heroin abyss or even the needle abyss
I always told my self I WILL NEVER GET HOOKED ON opiates/opioids. After I ate my words on that and got hooked on opiates/opioids I told myself I will never get hooked on the needle and I ate my words on that also.
I know this wont be a lesson for you kiddies wanting to try opiates but maybe this will help someone or something or at least be some entertainment for what a shitty life I made for myself but I am also working my ass off to pull myself back out of that.
T+10years of BLTCing(:rolleyes:)
