I'll bet Enter just experienced a dopamine release in his brain upon taking notice of this thread and will now even at a subconscious level be even more likely to check through the stuff going on within this community. This might even be the into... er... the thesanctuary post that acts as a metaphor in this context for "yanking your fishing rod until the hook rips through the side of the fishes mouth".

Now you're hooked on this site, Enter.

This thread is a psychoanalysis with (FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER) no personal bias that fucks with the legitimacy of the message displayed as it corresponds with what I am guessing to be the God's honest truth. I'm not going to make it very long... I mean by my own standards. I think someone slipped a "Mood stabilizer" into my Peach "Vexx" earlier tonight when I was doing a hot-rail in my buddies bathroom and things are all pseudo-homeostatic on me. 2 more paragraphs at most.

Enter... here's the bad news. You're a sweet, kind and empathetic young man... (Keep in mind this is all just a guess and for the sake of fun and entertainment... I am not claiming to know that I am right about any of this) You legitimately feel or have felt serious guilt as a result of things that have occurred within this community whether totse/zoklet/theintosanctuary because of you. The reason you do it... is a psychological attachment in your subconscious mind that is linked to being berated, talked down to, abused, neglected, disliked, etc. You consciously have no idea what the fuck is wrong with you or anything about who you even are... You don't know who you're supposed to be but you want to be liked. What you don't realize is you only consciously want to be liked and recognized for positive things... even something like winning an argument and making someone look like a retard against your wit on an internet forum. That is still a desire to be recognized for something positive... which you ARE one of the few that truly are gifted in the ways that lead to such to a degree in which it's actually possible for you and not for most others. But you're not getting what you want in life and you don't know why. Why is it you can't seem to stop running from the things you want? I'm making this assumption based on my knowledge surrounding the fact that everything is connected and if you think of congruent triangles and what you learned about them in elementary school... think of the smaller of the two congruent triangles as representing the one example of this that bleeds through your fingers into your forum posts. Whatever it is or whatever sums up to an entirety that gives me reason to guess that you sabotage yourself on a subconscious level and prevent yourself from getting what you consciously desire. (I think in this case what you consciously desire is what you truly desire whereas these subconscious attachments are like a virus of the mind hijacking the parts of it it's found in and turning your own intelligence against you attacking your own success to get to where you want to be).

My guess that this is a major phenomena within your mentality is based on seeing one example of it within your posts & the context they're posted in & interpreted by myself within with consideration to everything I've ever seen you post/do... That example being your evident awareness of your own struggles to be accepted by... women... by the collective entirety of this community as a whole... by humankind.

You want to know you're fucking boss and to know that everyone else knows it too... that everyone else has their attention drawn to you and recognizes you for something beyond average...

But on a deeper level that you're not even aware of you have a psychological attachment which would behave in the mind as a need that flashes by too quickly to consciously verbalize with your internal monologue or illustrate a picture of so you have no idea that you yourself have been using your own intelligence against yourself to fail at being recognized as something awesome and desirable... and as a result... have been aiming your focus towards people and behavior towards people that will result in you being disapproved of... upsetting someone until they tell you something bad about yourself... caring only about the opinions of those that talk down to you and craving it more than the compliments of respectable people that you can somehow even tell doesn't make sense since you know you're not some piece of shit... and you're clearly smart enough to realize that there's more to respect in kindness and morality than in sadistic behaviors. You probably think guys that think they're all cool acting the way you act on here... but in real life... are fucking douchebags. you probably can't put the pieces together when you psychoanalyze yourself and you probably get overwhelmed and think shit like "Whoa... fuck... I'm fucked up". until now - the day that will be remembered as ''entering retribution"

Why would you subconsciously want something that is the exact opposite of what you really want? Negative experiences in the past and regular psychological conditioning surrounding repeated non- obvious detrimental behaviors that were not even necessarily a part of your lifestyle but even just within your mental processes and/or responses to things within your mind. People get attached to ANYTHING. Unfortunately a lot of those things make absolutely no logical sense in terms of efficacy in improving one's life.

At some point you got in the habit of being put down. You were probably teased and unfortunately... and i'm not making fun of it and i mean it... you were probably also abused. Maybe even sexually. I'd almost bet money on it and as fucking retarded as I may look in guessing that... you honestly might not even remember it if it's true. I'm not saying I know I'm right, once again... but I strongly believe that you have undergone emotional torment as a result of other people on top of your own insecurities which were then amplified until these negative feelings resulted in a near constant state of feelings of inferiority to others and low confidence and then it just stayed like that likely for long or indefinite periods of times until it became the normal...

And guess what... you can fantasize about things that would equate to indisputably positive changes to your life or self and enjoy the fantasy non-stop... but ALL change causes leaving your comfort zone even if that particular type of comfort zone is at a level deeper than the world around you... in your state of consciousness... or maybe ego is the word to use here. A lot of changes that can be made to ones life that feel good to imagine demand you to leave comfort zones and a psychological comfort zone like permanent feelings of inferiority... say... it's like an anchor combined with a map of what defines your consciousness as you interpret it. moving away from it even if the place is shitty is SCARY and out of your comfort zone

So what happens if this all happens at a level of your consciousness that is beneath what you can recognize within your own mind until now that your light of thought has been guided down this path and you can clearly see it and choose ''fuck that negative attachment to negative attention/feelings about myself - i want the things i WANT not the opposite" or something similar... what happens if you are not able to recognize that this is occurring within you because it's so deeply engrained that you can't consciously perceive it?

Would you... do exactly what you do on here or have done on totse/zoklet in the past?

That's the small congruent triangle.

There's endless congruencies that probably follow this pattern in your life and recognizing the possibility when considering any tendencies you have that are obviously detrimental to getting to where you want to be in life (which you have the talent to do... fucking seriously man you could be awesome to quite a rare degree based on what i've seen from you to come to that guess over the years)... You are attached to failure at a deep psychological level and almost everything that comes with it including the effect overall inferiority or belief in being of such has on interactions with other people... women... etc.

If this sounds retarded... Do you ever secretly feel satisfaction when talking with the women you hate that aren't interested in you even if you aren't attracted to them sexually... how about people in general of either gender? who do you want to impress? the kind, likeable person that you recognize respectable traits in or the piece of shit that just so happens to have made it very clear at some point that he/she values you as pretty much worthless and isn't afraid to tell you...?

I would normally end this here. (I was jk. Meth, bitches) But this goes even beyond what I've explained (in my guess).

Enter, you have a fantastic ear. You very likely have perfect pitch and would do great at any instrument you truly devoted time to if you haven't already. You can bring up/recall things you've heard in your life from personalities that have been created for purposes of entertainment PERFECTLY when a situation arises. You would be one of the greatest actors on the planet (or... really good, i also would) if given the opportunity to try.

You're looking for who the fuck you are and when you watch movies with characters you think are pretty fucking sweet you probably shift in how you've decided to act for that time period until you forget and just feel all fucked up and depressed again. This combined with what I said before... it keeps feeding the vicious cycle as you feel less and less enthusiastic about the deeply hidden real you, often replaced by replicas of the personalities exhibited by others... all while wanting more than anything to be liked and thought highly of and accepted. You have tried very hard to entertain other users here. That's you. You're good natured. You imitate personalities as you search for the real self you've buried under self-loathing all based on years of self-loathing itself and to STOP you'd have to be aware of it and to make yourself aware of it would be too out of the comfort zone for you. well now you're aware of it.

You have been more capable of achieving huge things than most your whole life, likely and you have been sabotaging your own goals at a subconscious level for years and years because of a deep rooted attachment to things associated with feeling inferior non-stop and resorting to what you see in other people and characters to represent yourself... quoting things from movies and such... because you trust any of that a lot more than something from you.

This isn't easy to put in laymens terms. Take it for what it is, Enter. Not a diss, not a compliment... Just something I think COULD be of use to you to have pointed out and also might be BS. Unless you're feeling like acting like a dick to me (which is cool I'm a pussy and i love that shit) could you let me know if any of this makes you dance and yell "EUREKAA" with one "a" and not two of them?

Don't hate me because I can walk.

VI: Fuck yourself. You'd do it regardless because you are a loser with no life whatsoever. Also your devotion to the Aussie autie crowd is pathetic.

I considered doing the same but then I remembered I had a life. But good for Unstable. I'm starting to like you a little more even though you're an unhinged brokeback faggot Canadian house-arredted prison bitch. Snoopy had his insightful moments but he's gotten really bitchmade and gay lately.

Oh well. New beginnings, unstable. New beginnings.

Quote from: village idiot on September 02, 2014, 03:21:09 am

Quote

I never saw that before and I'm glad I did. Some people on there look cool and I would probably talk to IRL. Village idiot is not one of them, walking barefoot through water with a gay hat and a guitar what a goofy piece of shit

I have a spinal fusion between t12 and l3. I won't get into the specifics of how I got it because its so unique I've never heard of anyone else breaking their back this way. I also have a cancaneal fracture and have 13 pins in my foot upon last xray. It happened in late 2004 and when I was crippled I discovered the totse message board. I'd done dilaudid before that, was on dilaudid and other substances when I broke my back and was prescribed it after. I came off it and tried to act like it was nothing to have a spinal fusion and a foot that locks up and makes me walk funny if I walk what anyone would call a normal amount in the run of a day.

As I type this right now my back hurts and I'm sitting on a couch. Basically the 3 years after my crippledness I acted like it was nothing and definitely made my back worse through living recklessly. Eventually around 2008 I started doing opiates again and spent the majority of my life driving around with my seat so far back I'd look out my window from the back seat. When someone I know died under suspicious circumstances I wanted to believe it was just the pills that killed him so I stopped doing pills and started selling them.

Around 2008/2009 my back was getting worse and worse. I think ecstasy and coke made it worse to be honest. Also, as fucking gay and stupid and weak and shit as it is to admit it fucking hurt most of the time to have sex unless I was on opiates. So it created a viscous cycle of having to be high on pills to fuck or drive around selling drugs or doing anything really. I started to realize that the pain I experienced affected my outlook on life. You know when you are a kid and your relativity point is based on your own experiences (well it kinda is for everyone but as a kid it's more pronounced) I was in pain all the time and found it hard to imagine other people not being in pain. I think this is why it just made sense to me to sell drugs. In one capacity or another every drug is a medication. Around 2010 it became apparent I was going to prison so I decided to go to a dr to get a script so I'd have documentation and be able to get pills in jail initially. I would pretty much give away my 4's and sniff real 8's. I was always involved with girls and men who did pills because it became central to my life but not in the same capacity as they did them.

When I eventually went to prison I was getting my script of dilaudid in the county but when I went up the pen they cut me off and put me on tylonol 3's. I was fucking shocked and appalled even though I was pretty much caught trying to steal my pill so I could sniff it. I flipped out on the nurses and eventually they realized that they had to put me on something but the health staff is so incredibly useless all I got was 8 tylonol 3's a day. When I went to the hole a few months later, from lack of activity (other than pushups) and walking etc and just overall trying to be zen and mindful and shit I realized I could live successfully without opiates and I started hoarding them and was gonna stick them up my ass and take them to the pen I was being transferred to. This one guard I hated decided to destroy my cell to piss me off because I would make fun of him and they found 64 of the t3's so they cut me off them but the nurses would still stop by my cell in the hole and ask if I was alright.

Through working out my pain became alot better. Strengthening my back (there is really nothing I can do about my heel except for inactivity) became the key. I would eat a bottle of acitamenophen pills a week but I was proud that I wasn't doing pills anymore and instead bought and sold hash which relaxed my muscles enough to take my mind off my back. When I was released to a halfway house I directly fell back in with the same crowd and basically went back to doing pills and coke out of default because I didn't know what else to do. When this kid in the halfway house ratted on me and I had a highly suspicious amount of money on me I was stuck in the halfway house for a few days, coming off pills and I couldn't get off the couch I was in so much pain it was unbelievable. I realized a while ago that pain can depend on outside sources as well, for example whenever there was a cop car behind me my back would seize up to the point where I almost couldn't drive and I'd be in so much pain I'd have to do a pill immediately afterword.

But yeah, I went back to jail, yadadadadadadada, got out, decided to eat percocet but they hurt my stomach and it still kinda hurt a bit to fuck. When I fucked this girl on MDMA when I first got out I was fucking her but my back was hurting and thought afterwords that my back and headspace prevented me from actively being in a moment that should be awesome and beautiful. Bitch is pregnant now, lol, whore. SO YEAH, had people selling dilaudid and coke for me and I believe one of them ratted on me and I went back, got out AND HERE I AM

I'm precribed 60 6's a month and this will just increase. From a medical standpoint I need the heaviest painkillers but I've got an incredible physiotherapist and simply persevering through pain helps to lessen it over time. "the mindfullness solution to pain" is a gay hippie bullshit book that actually has some very poignant and true things in amongst all the bullshit. I take 4 vitamins a day (b,c,d, o3) do chin ups and be lazy and all these things help. Having sex is less painful and my association with sex and pain will probably lead me to become a sadomasocist at the age of 40. I'm very conscious of how I sit, stand, bend over etc. I've got to be very vigilant to keep myself from experiencing pain. I take 2 or 3mg's of dilaudid a week when it's particularly bad and sometimes I feel like I'm weak for doing it but I know that I associate my pain with a lot of things and being pain free is new to me. I'm going to see a specialist in a few weeks who's apparently a genius and cost $300 a fucking hour. I am very optimistic.

I dunno, I like talking about myself but basically what I can tell you is even though your body and pain is external, how you deal with it and choose to live with it IS ENTIRELY IN YOUR HEAD. Granted, there are degrees of this but when I realized that being a 26 year old who whined about pain and LET IT CONTROL aspects of my life is pathetic I learned to try to work with it to live for a day free from this. If I go back to prison it will definitely suck, at least initially but probably 5 or 6 months in it'll be fine I'm sure.

Hope this was helpful, probably not. meth

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

the first line is me making fun of you for being a beekeeping faggot and that horribly gay picture of you. It evidently caused quite a STING because you remembered the post and were willing to go dig it up

That post covers like 2 years and is about pain/opiate use you fucking idiot.

I never saw that before and I'm glad I did. Some people on there look cool and I would probably talk to IRL. Village idiot is not one of them, walking barefoot through water with a gay hat and a guitar what a goofy piece of shit

I have a spinal fusion between t12 and l3. I won't get into the specifics of how I got it because its so unique I've never heard of anyone else breaking their back this way. I also have a cancaneal fracture and have 13 pins in my foot upon last xray. It happened in late 2004 and when I was crippled I discovered the totse message board. I'd done dilaudid before that, was on dilaudid and other substances when I broke my back and was prescribed it after. I came off it and tried to act like it was nothing to have a spinal fusion and a foot that locks up and makes me walk funny if I walk what anyone would call a normal amount in the run of a day.

As I type this right now my back hurts and I'm sitting on a couch. Basically the 3 years after my crippledness I acted like it was nothing and definitely made my back worse through living recklessly. Eventually around 2008 I started doing opiates again and spent the majority of my life driving around with my seat so far back I'd look out my window from the back seat. When someone I know died under suspicious circumstances I wanted to believe it was just the pills that killed him so I stopped doing pills and started selling them.

Around 2008/2009 my back was getting worse and worse. I think ecstasy and coke made it worse to be honest. Also, as fucking gay and stupid and weak and shit as it is to admit it fucking hurt most of the time to have sex unless I was on opiates. So it created a viscous cycle of having to be high on pills to fuck or drive around selling drugs or doing anything really. I started to realize that the pain I experienced affected my outlook on life. You know when you are a kid and your relativity point is based on your own experiences (well it kinda is for everyone but as a kid it's more pronounced) I was in pain all the time and found it hard to imagine other people not being in pain. I think this is why it just made sense to me to sell drugs. In one capacity or another every drug is a medication. Around 2010 it became apparent I was going to prison so I decided to go to a dr to get a script so I'd have documentation and be able to get pills in jail initially. I would pretty much give away my 4's and sniff real 8's. I was always involved with girls and men who did pills because it became central to my life but not in the same capacity as they did them.

When I eventually went to prison I was getting my script of dilaudid in the county but when I went up the pen they cut me off and put me on tylonol 3's. I was fucking shocked and appalled even though I was pretty much caught trying to steal my pill so I could sniff it. I flipped out on the nurses and eventually they realized that they had to put me on something but the health staff is so incredibly useless all I got was 8 tylonol 3's a day. When I went to the hole a few months later, from lack of activity (other than pushups) and walking etc and just overall trying to be zen and mindful and shit I realized I could live successfully without opiates and I started hoarding them and was gonna stick them up my ass and take them to the pen I was being transferred to. This one guard I hated decided to destroy my cell to piss me off because I would make fun of him and they found 64 of the t3's so they cut me off them but the nurses would still stop by my cell in the hole and ask if I was alright.

Through working out my pain became alot better. Strengthening my back (there is really nothing I can do about my heel except for inactivity) became the key. I would eat a bottle of acitamenophen pills a week but I was proud that I wasn't doing pills anymore and instead bought and sold hash which relaxed my muscles enough to take my mind off my back. When I was released to a halfway house I directly fell back in with the same crowd and basically went back to doing pills and coke out of default because I didn't know what else to do. When this kid in the halfway house ratted on me and I had a highly suspicious amount of money on me I was stuck in the halfway house for a few days, coming off pills and I couldn't get off the couch I was in so much pain it was unbelievable. I realized a while ago that pain can depend on outside sources as well, for example whenever there was a cop car behind me my back would seize up to the point where I almost couldn't drive and I'd be in so much pain I'd have to do a pill immediately afterword.

But yeah, I went back to jail, yadadadadadadada, got out, decided to eat percocet but they hurt my stomach and it still kinda hurt a bit to fuck. When I fucked this girl on MDMA when I first got out I was fucking her but my back was hurting and thought afterwords that my back and headspace prevented me from actively being in a moment that should be awesome and beautiful. Bitch is pregnant now, lol, whore. SO YEAH, had people selling dilaudid and coke for me and I believe one of them ratted on me and I went back, got out AND HERE I AM

I'm precribed 60 6's a month and this will just increase. From a medical standpoint I need the heaviest painkillers but I've got an incredible physiotherapist and simply persevering through pain helps to lessen it over time. "the mindfullness solution to pain" is a gay hippie bullshit book that actually has some very poignant and true things in amongst all the bullshit. I take 4 vitamins a day (b,c,d, o3) do chin ups and be lazy and all these things help. Having sex is less painful and my association with sex and pain will probably lead me to become a sadomasocist at the age of 40. I'm very conscious of how I sit, stand, bend over etc. I've got to be very vigilant to keep myself from experiencing pain. I take 2 or 3mg's of dilaudid a week when it's particularly bad and sometimes I feel like I'm weak for doing it but I know that I associate my pain with a lot of things and being pain free is new to me. I'm going to see a specialist in a few weeks who's apparently a genius and cost $300 a fucking hour. I am very optimistic.

I dunno, I like talking about myself but basically what I can tell you is even though your body and pain is external, how you deal with it and choose to live with it IS ENTIRELY IN YOUR HEAD. Granted, there are degrees of this but when I realized that being a 26 year old who whined about pain and LET IT CONTROL aspects of my life is pathetic I learned to try to work with it to live for a day free from this. If I go back to prison it will definitely suck, at least initially but probably 5 or 6 months in it'll be fine I'm sure.

Hope this was helpful, probably not. meth